David Cross is a comedian, actor, and writer of TV shows. He also wrote this book.
And I would have quoted said book, but any such quote, taken out of context, is only half as funny.
This book is hilarious. I'm not a huge fan of Cross's stand up, but this book had me rolling around on the floor, crying. Seriously. It's that funny.
Below is a clip of his stand up, which has its moments, but isn't nearly as funny as this book.