In 2020 I was COVID. I spent some of that year in COVID, and then I moved to COVID where I am sitting here, writing this COVID. It was a difficult COVID for sure.
The top 5 movies of 2020 were COVID, COVID 2: The Variant, COVID Crusaders, COVID: Mask Up or Fuck Off and COVID: Let's Hope This Vaccine Works. I have seen (and hated) all of these movies.
Some critical favorites of 2020 were Wuhan: Journey to COVID, Captain COVID 3: Infinite COVID and The Unbearable Difficulty of Breathing. Michael COVID was very memorable in Captain COVID 3, but I think the non-linear plot structured employed in The Unbearable Difficulty of Breathing was a little forced, and not suitable given the COVID they were trying to tell.
My favorite movie of 2020 was definitely COVID: The Hysterical, Existential Terror. It's by far the best in the COVID series, and I look forward to COVID: The Hysterical, Existential Terror 2 this summer.
My least favorite movie of 2020 was COVID Conspiracy, because listening to certain friends talk about that shit all the time gets old.
[Pausing to remove mask and take a long, infectious breath]
Some Good Ones
1. Bloodshot
This is the last movie I saw in the theater before Tenet appeared almost a year later. It was a long wait between Bloodshot and Tenet. Bloodshot isn't High Art, but I think that given the quality of the comic book that inspired it it's not bad. Vin Diesel's costar in this movie, Elza Gonzalez, is also very beautiful. Everyone I saw this movie with despised it, but we'll have to agree to disagree on that one.
R.I.P. Valiant Cinematic Universe.
Fun Fact: Jared Leto was in negotiations to play Bloodshot before he settled on Morbius. That movie, featuring the titular vampire superhero (?) has been pushed back to January of next year.
2. Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga
It has its moments. Weirdly enough, Rachel McAdams is funnier than Will Farrell in it.
Fun Fact: McAdams prepared for her role by studying videos of Icelandic singer Bjork.
Some Bad Ones
1. Birds of Prey
I liked the fight scenes but that was about it. Margot Robbie is quite the athlete. The villain wasn't very threatening, and I thought the overemphasis on "girl power" diminished the film.
2. The Invisible Man
I've enjoyed Elizabeth Moss in several movies but this isn't one of them. This horror retread doesn't add much to an already tired formula, and the characters populating its bare bones story are all uninteresting in the extreme.
Fun Fact: A lot of people blame The Mummy, but this movie's failure also hastened the demise of Universal's Dark Universe.
3. Tenet
Christopher Nolan helming another movie that only makes sense to Christopher Nolan. I like John David Washington - he gives the kind of commanding performance his father is known for - but the plot of this movie is nonsense. It brought back to me, in vivid detail, my annoyance with Interstellar.
4. Wonder Woman 1984
A movie that makes a lot of emotional sense but very little logical sense. It's gratifying if you don't stop to think about things like Wonder Woman RAPING A MAN, or the whole architecture of wishes at work in this movie. I'm a big fan of Kristen Wiig, and I was also disappointed with how she was used in this movie.
5. Fantasy Island
Sinister Blumhouse remake of the beloved (and undeniably cheesy) TV series. Like the people trapped on the island it goes nowhere fast.
6. Extraction
Chris Hemsworth stomps around Bangladesh, merrily shooting whoever gets in his way. This movie might be action-packed but it's also kinda dumb. There's a sequel on the way this year.
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