1. North Star (1986)
I'm gratified that movies this dumb exist. Sure, it's a TV pilot, but just the same people bothered to make it -- Lord only knows why.
The Premise: An astronaut exposed to UV light (yes, that's right, sunlight) develops superhuman powers.
Where Are They Now?: The most recognizable member of the cast will be Sonny Landham, who appeared in Predator. He played the villain in North Star the previous year. He died of congestive heart failure in 2017.
Overall: It'll take an hour from your life, but it will be an hour well spent.
2. The Chilling (1989)
The Premise: Those associated with an unscrupulous cryogenics facility find themselves in trouble after a thunderstorm.
Where Are They Now?: I highly recommend Linda Blair's entry on Wikipedia. Very few actresses have experienced as many ups and downs as she has. From The Exorcist, to cocaine, to the pages of Oui, to Rick James, to scream queen, to animal rights activist... whatever's been done in Hollywood she's probably done it and come out the other side smiling. Most recently she appeared in 2023's The Exorcist: Believer.
The end credits of The Chilling poke fun at Dan Haggerty, who played Grizzly Adams on the famous TV show. He appeared in movies up until the mid 2010s, though you're not likely to have seen any of these films.
Overall: The first half resembles a low budget Coma knockoff, and the second half takes an inexplicable left turn into zombie territory. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but in this instance that only means it wasn't bad enough to be worth watching.
3. Arena (1989)
Thor: Ragnarok my ass! Arena's where it's at!
Naw, just kidding. Arena is... not amazing.
The Premise: I want to say "MMA in space," but MMA wasn't as much of a thing in 1989. Instead I'll say "Kickboxing in space."
Where Are They Now?: The star of this movie, Paul Satterfield, did a lot of soap operas. He's a teacher now.
I remembered Satterfield's costar, Claudia Christian. Like Satterfield she did a lot of TV, and these days she's the CEO of the C Three Foundation, an organization battling alcoholism.
Overall: If you can overlook the low production values it's actually a well-written movie. It would work equally well as a science fiction movie or as a sports movie set on Earth. Is Arena going to blow your mind? Nope, it's a typical late 80s direct-to-video cheesefest, but this particular cheesefest never gets boring.
4. Get Crazy (1983)
The Premise: It's New Year's Eve, 1982, and the Saturn Theater is going to ring in the new year with the most epic concert ever.
Where Are They Now?: Daniel Stern hasn't done much film work since the City Slickers and Home Alone movies. These days he's more of a sculptor.
Actress Gail Edwards went on to a career in TV. She's set to appear in Fuller House, the sequel to the Full House television series.
Ed Begley Jr. divides his time between TV and the theater.
Malcom McDowell -- remember him? He seems to be more of a voice actor now, though he does pop up in the occasional movie. Few other actors did the late 70s like he did. It must have been quite a ride.
Overall: Get Crazy's zany sense of humor and its tiresome drug references haven't aged well, even if some of the cameos are fun. It'll remind you a bit of the far superior Blues Brothers, which came out three years before, or even older "crazy night out" movies like Thank God It's Friday, but taken on its own merits it's not very good.
5. Night of the Comet (1984)
The Premise: A passing comet triggers a zombie apocalypse.
Where Are They Now?: Catherine Mary Stewart, who also appeared in The Last Starfighter and Weekend at Bernie's, is doing television now.
Overall: It's not a bad movie. I've seen people on Reddit describe it as "classic," but I wouldn't go that far. On the whole it's basically The Omega Man set in the 80s with a couple interesting twists near the end.
6. Clash of the Warlords (a.k.a. "Mad Warrior") (1984)
The Premise: Uh... Mad Max... or maybe Fist of the North Star... via the Philippines?
Where Are They Now?: No idea. I could research it, but how deep into the Philippine movie industry are we willing to go?
Overall: Couldn't make heads or tails of the plot, and they must've made this movie for peanuts.
7. Galaxy of Terror (1981)
A Roger Corman joint.
The Premise: About 4/5 of this movie is a blatant Alien knockoff. The remaining 1/5 takes a detour into late 70s-style tripiness.
Where Are They Now?: The most recognizable member of the cast is Robert Englund, who'd go on to play Freddy Krueger in the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. He recently hosted a travel show.
But wait! Check that Production Designer credit! Is that... James Cameron? The James Cameron? Yes, it is!
Overall: It's almost worth watching for the last 20 minutes. It made me wonder -- what if they'd taken that route with the Alien movies? What if the entirety of the xenomorphs' planet was some kind of fear-induced simulation? Intended as part of some rite of initiation? It's an interesting concept to think about.
8. Deep Space (1988)
The most inexplicable thing in this movie is the two cops taking the "rocks" from the crime scene. It's like... why?
The Premise: Yet another "hard boiled cop(s) vs. predatory alien(s)" movie. There were a lot of them in the 80s.
Where Are They Now?: Charles Napier may be familiar as the bad guy in Rambo: First Blood Part II. He began his acting career working for Russ Meyer and moved on to higher profile films in the 80s, 90s and early 2000s. His last big movie was the Denzel Washington version of The Manchurian Candidate. He passed away in 2011.
Julie Newmar is in Deep Space for a few minutes. She famously played Catwoman in the Batman TV show. She's still doing movies and television. At the time of writing she's 91 years old.
Bo Svenson, who plays the police captain (or lieutenant, or whatever) in Deep Space has had an interesting life. He was born in Sweden, served as a personal bodyguard to the king of Sweden, served as a U.S. marine, raced cars professionally in Florida, and won a championship in judo -- all before starting an acting career. He's been in a ton of movies. It's worth noting that he both starred in 1978's The Inglorious Bastards and Quentin Tarantino's 2009 film Inglourious Basterds.
Overall: 80s sci fi/horror schlock. The gory bits at the end are oddly satisfying though.
9. Below the Belt (1980)*
The Premise: A woman between relationships pursues a career in professional wrestling.
Where Are They Now?: No one in this movie seems to have gone on to fame and fortune.
Overall: "Rosa's theme" really wears out its welcome, but otherwise this is a good movie. One of the best I've seen in a while.
10. Blastfighter (1984)
The Premise: An ex-cop with a supergun takes on evil hunters.
Where Are They Now?: Michael Sopkiw now imports and distributes glass bottles into the state of California.
Overall: The first half is like every other 80s cop movie you've ever seen, and the second is a First Blood ripoff. All of this by way of Italy, where many of the cast and crew members were from.
11. The Heavenly Kid (1985)
Definitely one of the whitest movies ever made. Not to get all woke or anything, but I believe there are only two people of color in this entire thing, and they're only onscreen for a few seconds.
The Premise: A greaser from the early 60s travels to the 80s to help a zero become a hero.
Where Are They Now?: Lewis Smith went on to found the Actors Academy in Los Angeles. He also appeared (super) briefly in Quentin Tarantino's Django Unchained.
Jason Gedrick went on to star in Iron Eagle. He's mostly doing TV now.
Richard Mulligan is probably the best-remembered member of the cast. He'd go on to star in the TV show Empty Nest. He passed away in 2000.
Overall: I later remembered seeing this on cable when I was a kid. I'm not surprised I forgot it. Harmless fun, but too whitebread for its own good.
12. Bloodbath at the House of Death (1984)
The Premise: British horror parody set in an old mansion.
Where Are They Now?: Comedian Kenny Everett, who died of AIDS in 1995, was a complicated figure. He found fame as a radio personality, but his status as a closeted gay man and his support for a homophobic Conservative Party led to public criticism.
Pamela Stephenson has had a long and varied career. From stage and screen she transitioned into pop psychology. Her highest profile movie was probably Superman III, in which she played "Lorelei," and around the same time she was a cast member on Saturday Night Live.
Overall: There are a couple funny scenes but this movie hasn't aged well.
13. Bloodfight (1989)
The Premise: Fighters from around the world (?) convene in Hong Kong for the Free Fighting Championship.
Where Are They Now?: Bolo Yeung will be recognizable from Bloodsport, that most 80s of 80s martial arts action movies, and Bruce Lee's Enter the Dragon. He's still lurking around the world of low budget fight movies. His last film was 2017's Diamond Cartel.
Overall: Very boring.
14. The Blue Lightning (1986)
The Premise: Sam Elliot evades strangely resilient bad guys while pursuing an opal across the Australian Outback.
Where Are They Now?: Most recently Elliot appeared in the miniseries 1883, which is a prequel to Yellowstone.
Robert Culp, like Elliot, appeared in a lot of Westerns before his death in 2010. His last big movie was 1993's The Pelican Brief.
Overall: It has its corny moments (especially Elliot explaining how he's descended from Crazy Horse), but it's not a bad movie.
15. Hamburger: The Motion Picture (1987)
"Ham-burgers! For Americaaa!!!"
...and what industry would employ "industrial strength laxatives," exactly? Am I overthinking things yet again?
I'd mostly forgotten this movie, but for whatever reason I remembered "Mrs. Vunk." Yeah, I was about that age when this appeared on cable.
The Premise: A ladies' man enrolls in Busterburger University in order to receive his inheritance. An alternate synopsis might be Stripes and/or Police Academy set in "Hamburger University."
Where Are They Now?: Star Leigh McCloskey took a sharp left turn into art, philosophy and the occult. He's mostly known for his paintings now.
NFL player and commentator Dick Butkus died last year of a stroke. Besides football he appeared in many films.
Overall: It's goofy fun. Sure, it'll remind you of other teen sex comedies, but don't they all?
16. Burial Ground (1981)
The Premise: Several people vacationing in an Italian villa attempt to escape zombies in the most random manner possible.
Where Are They Now?: The director, Andrea Bianchi, was making movies up until 1993. His last movie was 3 Ninjas: Knuckle Up.
Overall: Some of the women are hot and some of the zombies are unintentionally hilarious. The VHS tape was a fixture at many mom and pop video rental stores back in the day. The artwork is far more arresting than the actual movie.
17. Joysticks (1983)
The Premise: A wealthy citizen tries to shut down a local arcade. In theory this is the plot, but it's really more like: setup for gag/gag/setup for boobies/boobies. Rinse and repeat.
Where Are They Now?: Joe Don Baker's last movie was 2012's Mud.
Overall: It's the same kind of silliness, but I didn't find Joysticks as enjoyable as Hamburger: The Motion Picture. I enjoyed the shots of arcade games, but the scenes between the games range from awkward to downright confusing.
18. Surviving: A Family in Crisis (1985)
The Premise: Suicide touches the lives of two suburban families.
Where Are They Now?: Ellen Burstyn, Zach Galligan, Molly Ringwald, Heather O'Rourke and River Phoenix. By 80s standards the cast was stacked. Galligan had just come off of Gremlins, Ringwald appeared in The Breakfast Club the same year, O'Rourke had already done Poltergeist and Phoenix would do Explorers the same year.
O'Rourke, sadly, passed away from Crohn's Disease in 1988. Phoenix, brother of Joaquin, died of a drug overdose in 1993.
Galligan and Ringwald are still around, though neither of them are appearing in Hollywood blockbusters. Ringwald's doing a lot of TV, and Galligan is doing voice work in relation to the Gremlins franchise.
Overall: Even given the subject matter, this TV movie is extremely melodramatic in parts. Pacing is also a serious issue. Much of it seems rushed and slightly off the mark.
19. Mutator (1989)
The Premise: An evil corporation creates a monster.
Where Are They Now?: Brion James died in 1999, ten years after this movie was released. He appeared in many genre pictures between the 80s and 90s: everything from Blade Runner to Tango & Cash.
Overall: It's a combination of bad acting and bad dialogue for sure, but the biggest problem is the story, which takes forever to get going and never generates a sufficient amount of chills.
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20. Electric Dreams (1984)
Ah, Virginia Madsen. She was so radiantly beautiful around the time this movie came out.
And what better time to watch Electric Dreams, in the midst of all these AI-centric discussions? It's 2024, we're well past what the computer in this film can do, and from the vantage point of the future this movie seems very prescient.
The Premise: A lovestruck loser accidentally creates a computer that can think for itself.
Where Are They Now?: Virginia Madsen did Dune the same year. Her next big hit was 1992's Candyman. She was nominated for a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for 2004's Sideways and she's done several movies and TV shows since.
Lenny Von Dohlen passed away two years ago, in 2022. He did some movies and TV after Electric Dreams, his last, best known appearance being in the Twin Peaks TV show.
Fun Fact: The computer in this movie was voiced by Bud Cort, who played "Harold" in Harold & Maude.
Overall: Electric Dreams is adorable. This film has aged extremely well.
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*This movie was actually filmed in 1974. It wasn't released until 1980.
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