Still More 80s Movies 4

Liked It

1. Flashpoint (1984)

Two U.S. Border Patrol officers discover a lot of money in the desert.  The script was well written, and anchored by standout performances by Kris Kristofferson and Treat Williams.  If you can overlook a couple plot holes it's very good.

Bonus points for the Tangerine Dream soundtrack.

2. Shaolin Drunkard (1983)

Hong Kong kung fu cinema at its weirdest.  Sometimes the comedy in this type of movie is too "Chinese" to be accessible to Western audiences, but this one is right on the money.  Fight choreographer Yuan Woo-ping would go on to choreograph Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, the Matrix films and Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2.

For me the highlight of this movie was the practical effects, which are extremely inventive.  It's silly, sure, but doing things like the magic battles on a smaller budget isn't easy.

3. Angel (1984)

Prep school student by day, streetwalker by night.  Angel treads a thin line between exploitation and a heartfelt story of a girl's lost innocence, and even though it doesn't always walk this line successfully it's definitely entertaining.  In my opinion the scenes that venture into John Waters territory make up for the parts of the movie that don't quite work.

4. Tough Enough (1983)

Dennis Quaid stars as an aspiring musician who enters the Toughman competition.  It's a solid sports drama, though I get why it wasn't a big hit at the time.  In many ways it's very backward-looking, with the soundtrack and working class cowboy theme recalling several hits of the late 70s.

5. Wildcats (1986)

Goldie Hawn coaches varsity football in an inner city school.  With the NFL preseason underway I was happy to stumble upon this one.  Good performances, a solid story, and its heart in the right place.

Critics hated this film.  It's far from perfect, but I think that those revisiting it will find a lot to like.  Sure, Hawn had kind of done this role in Private Benjamin years before, but she did it well in both movies.

Fun Fact: This was Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes' first film.

6. Tuff Turf (1985)

James Spader contends with school bullies.  I like to imagine this movie happening somewhere in the background of the Double Dragon video game, with the Lee Brothers advancing through the various levels as James Spader and Kim Richards' characters attempt to realize their star-crossed love in a nearby alley.

Fun Fact 1: Robert Downey (Jr.) is also in Tuff Turf.  At one point Spader leaves "The Warehouse" and you can see "The New Avengers" spray painted on the wall next to the exit.

Fun Fact 2: Kim Richards and her sister Kylie are now better known for their roles on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

7. Hawk the Slayer (1980)

Hell YES Hawk the Slayer!  It's got:

• A brooding hero with Members Only hair.
• Bad guys who look like they're surfing a New Wave of British Heavy Metal.
• A synth-driven disco soundtrack.
• A sweet, sweet sword.
• A villain played by none other than Jack Palance, who'd already played this same character in countless Westerns.

Is it Conan the Barbarian?  Perish the thought!  Is it Excalibur?  Not even close!  But just the same Hawk the Slayer has a lot to recommend it, and I think if you're in the right mood it'll put a smile on your face.

8. Force: Five (1981)

An elite team of martial arts badasses take on a cult.  It's basically Enter the Dragon remade for the 80s, and the karate/kung fu mayhem it represents made me nostalgic for the days of throwing stars, nunchucks and Inside Kung Fu.  The most famous guy in Force: Five is probably Benny ("The Jet") Urquidez, who appeared in two of Jackie Chan's films.

Fun Fact: The character "Ken" in the Street Fighter video game series was modeled on Joe Lewis, the star of Force: Five.

9. Silent Rage (1982)

Small town sheriff Chuck Norris squares off against an unkillable maniac.  Silent Rage isn't nearly as good as The Delta Force, that height of 80s action cheese, but as Chuck Norris movies go it ranks near the top.  Ramping up the sex and violence was the right move, and the story works without needing Norris to emote.

10. Demons (1985)

Just what you'd expect from anything stamped "Argento," though he only wrote the screenplay.  In Demons several people attend a film screening wherein all hell -- literally -- breaks loose.  Those who enjoy giallo's trademark gore, stunningly beautiful women and dreamlike chase sequences will find plenty to like in Demons.

Fun Fact: This was directed by Lamberto Bava, Mario Bava's son.

11. Demons 2 (1986)

Demons or Demons 2?  It's a close race between them.  Demons takes place in a movie theater, while Demons 2 takes place in a high-rise.  Demons 2 is more inventive in some ways, while Demons has a more cohesive plot.

Actress Asia Argento, Dario Argento's daughter, was only 10 when they filmed this movie.  From #MeToo, to allegations of sexual assault, to signing a petition on Roman Polanski's behalf, to a doomed relationship with Anthony Bourdain -- she's had quite a history.

12. Gregory's Girl (1981)

Young and extremely Scottish people search for love.  It feels a lot like something that would have aired on the BBC at some point, but the characters' pointed awkwardness will probably remind you of yourself at that age -- assuming you're not that old right now.

Warning to North Americans: You'll need the subtitles on for this one.  Those are some thick accents.

It Was... OK

13. Irreconcilable Differences (1984)

Sure, Shelley Long, just invite Sharon Stone to live with you and your movie husband, Ryan O'Neal.  I'm sure he won't bang her.

The biggest problem with this movie is that after the first ten minutes the remainder is a foregone conclusion.  Ambitious young white people fall in love, have a kid, pursue careers, become estranged, etc., etc., etc.  There's no room left to be surprised by this movie, tongue in cheek as it is, and thus no dramatic tension.

Add to this the fact that there's almost zero chemistry between the two leads, and what's worse their relationship (or lack thereof) with their child, played by Drew Barrymore, is never really demonstrated in the movie. 

No, Irreconcilable Differences isn't terrible, but it is deeply unsatisfying.  If they'd leaned into the comedy more it could have been good, but instead they chose "dramedy," and that path didn't work at all.  Weirdly enough, Ryan O'Neal makes this point in the very film that demonstrates it.

14. Deep Space (1988)

Equal parts The Blob and Alien, this horror confection is formulaic enough to be fun, and nonsensical enough to be interesting.  Gotta love how various individuals just remove biological material (i.e. "space monster eggs") from a crash site without really thinking about the implications.

Deep Space is similar in some respects to 1979's The Dark, which was also reviewed here recently.  Was psychics warning detectives about future events some kind of thing in the late 70s/early 80s?  Maybe so.

15. Mortuary (1982?  1983?)

Bonus points for Bill Paxton, but this slasher film is fairly derivative.  It would have been better if they hadn't shied away from the sex and violence so much, and instead doubled down on the more disturbing elements in the story.

What would have happened to "Christy" if she'd been injected with that embalming fluid?  Could have been a memorable scene...

Didn't Like It

16. Intruder (1989)

Slasher movie set in a supermarket.  Given the number of people working in the store, you wouldn't think that the killer would be such a problem, but hey, slasher movie logic.

Sam Raimi, Ted Raimi and Bruce Campbell all make brief appearances in Intruder.  Don't think that's some kind of seal of quality, however.  In 1989 Sam Raimi wasn't the hot commodity he would later become.

17. Black Eagle (1988)

America's favorite ninja master Sho Kosugi struggles mightily with the English language while Jean-Claude Van Damme panders to the female gaze.  The real issue with this movie is that the first 3/4 of it are crushingly boring, and the showdown between Kosugi and Van Damme near the end is a huge letdown.

This film was released the same year as Van Damme's breakthrough movie Bloodsport, but just the same it's JCVD before his career really got going.  In this respect Black Eagle's a lot like the following year's Cyborg, in that JCVD's particular formula hadn't been discovered quite yet.  Post-Kickboxer?  Yeah, that's when he was more of a presence in the industry.

Fun Fact: Sho Kosugi's first screen appearance was as an extra in The Godfather Part II.

18. Dreams Don't Die (1982)

Higher production values in this TV movie, but it's really boring.  A graffiti artist tries to win his girlfriend back from the local drug dealer, and you can probably guess the rest.  None of the actors/actresses are especially convincing in their roles, though Paul Winfield does a good job as a beat cop who tries to teach the kids the error of their ways.

I... Have... Regrets...

19. Zone Troopers (1985)

Somehow this movie makes even less sense than Intruder (above).  Some World War II types (the least soldierly soldiers to ever soldier) run into aliens behind enemy lines in Italy.  You might recognize Tim Thomerson or Art LaFleur from other movies they've done since, but this one is very, very boring.

Why go all the way to Italy to film this nonsense?  Was someone laundering money?

20. Terminus (1987)

Some dude with a robot hand drives a supertruck around the more rural parts of France.  Oh, and Karen Allen's in this one for a bit, until she's not.

The most annoying part has to be the supertruck's onboard computer, which chatters on without adding much to the plot.

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Still More 80s Movies 2

1. North Star (1986)

I'm gratified that movies this dumb exist.  Sure, it's a TV pilot, but just the same people bothered to make it -- Lord only knows why.

The Premise: An astronaut exposed to UV light (yes, that's right, sunlight) develops superhuman powers.

Where Are They Now?: The most recognizable member of the cast will be Sonny Landham, who appeared in Predator.  He played the villain in North Star the previous year.  He died of congestive heart failure in 2017.

Overall: It'll take an hour from your life, but it will be an hour well spent.

2. The Chilling (1989)

The Premise: Those associated with an unscrupulous cryogenics facility find themselves in trouble after a thunderstorm.

Where Are They Now?: I highly recommend Linda Blair's entry on Wikipedia.  Very few actresses have experienced as many ups and downs as she has.  From The Exorcist, to cocaine, to the pages of Oui, to Rick James, to scream queen, to animal rights activist... whatever's been done in Hollywood she's probably done it and come out the other side smiling.  Most recently she appeared in 2023's The Exorcist: Believer.

The end credits of The Chilling poke fun at Dan Haggerty, who played Grizzly Adams on the famous TV show.  He appeared in movies up until the mid 2010s, though you're not likely to have seen any of these films.

Overall: The first half resembles a low budget Coma knockoff, and the second half takes an inexplicable left turn into zombie territory.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but in this instance that only means it wasn't bad enough to be worth watching.

3. Arena (1989)

Thor: Ragnarok my ass!  Arena's where it's at!  

Naw, just kidding.  Arena is... not amazing.

The Premise: I want to say "MMA in space," but MMA wasn't as much of a thing in 1989.  Instead I'll say "Kickboxing in space."

Where Are They Now?: The star of this movie, Paul Satterfield, did a lot of soap operas.  He's a teacher now.

I remembered Satterfield's costar, Claudia Christian.  Like Satterfield she did a lot of TV, and these days she's the CEO of the C Three Foundation, an organization battling alcoholism.

Overall: If you can overlook the low production values it's actually a well-written movie.  It would work equally well as a science fiction movie or as a sports movie set on Earth.  Is Arena going to blow your mind?  Nope, it's a typical late 80s direct-to-video cheesefest, but this particular cheesefest never gets boring.

4. Get Crazy (1983)

The Premise: It's New Year's Eve, 1982, and the Saturn Theater is going to ring in the new year with the most epic concert ever.

Where Are They Now?: Daniel Stern hasn't done much film work since the City Slickers and Home Alone movies.  These days he's more of a sculptor.

Actress Gail Edwards went on to a career in TV.  She's set to appear in Fuller House, the sequel to the Full House television series.

Ed Begley Jr. divides his time between TV and the theater.

Malcom McDowell -- remember him?  He seems to be more of a voice actor now, though he does pop up in the occasional movie.  Few other actors did the late 70s like he did.  It must have been quite a ride.

Overall: Get Crazy's zany sense of humor and its tiresome drug references haven't aged well, even if some of the cameos are fun.  It'll remind you a bit of the far superior Blues Brothers, which came out three years before, or even older "crazy night out" movies like Thank God It's Friday, but taken on its own merits it's not very good.

5. Night of the Comet (1984)

The Premise: A passing comet triggers a zombie apocalypse.

Where Are They Now?: Catherine Mary Stewart, who also appeared in The Last Starfighter and Weekend at Bernie's, is doing television now.

Overall: It's not a bad movie.  I've seen people on Reddit describe it as "classic," but I wouldn't go that far.  On the whole it's basically The Omega Man set in the 80s with a couple interesting twists near the end.

6. Clash of the Warlords (a.k.a. "Mad Warrior") (1984)

The Premise: Uh... Mad Max... or maybe Fist of the North Star... via the Philippines?

Where Are They Now?: No idea.  I could research it, but how deep into the Philippine movie industry are we willing to go?

Overall: Couldn't make heads or tails of the plot, and they must've made this movie for peanuts.

7. Galaxy of Terror (1981)

A Roger Corman joint.

The Premise: About 4/5 of this movie is a blatant Alien knockoff.  The remaining 1/5 takes a detour into late 70s-style tripiness.

Where Are They Now?: The most recognizable member of the cast is Robert Englund, who'd go on to play Freddy Krueger in the Nightmare on Elm Street movies.  He recently hosted a travel show.

But wait!  Check that Production Designer credit!  Is that... James Cameron?  The James Cameron?  Yes, it is!

Overall: It's almost worth watching for the last 20 minutes.  It made me wonder -- what if they'd taken that route with the Alien movies?  What if the entirety of the xenomorphs' planet was some kind of fear-induced simulation?  Intended as part of some rite of initiation?  It's an interesting concept to think about.

8. Deep Space (1988)

The most inexplicable thing in this movie is the two cops taking the "rocks" from the crime scene.  It's like... why?

The Premise: Yet another "hard boiled cop(s) vs. predatory alien(s)" movie.  There were a lot of them in the 80s.

Where Are They Now?: Charles Napier may be familiar as the bad guy in Rambo: First Blood Part II.  He began his acting career working for Russ Meyer and moved on to higher profile films in the 80s, 90s and early 2000s.  His last big movie was the Denzel Washington version of The Manchurian Candidate.  He passed away in 2011.

Julie Newmar is in Deep Space for a few minutes.  She famously played Catwoman in the Batman TV show.  She's still doing movies and television.  At the time of writing she's 91 years old.

Bo Svenson, who plays the police captain (or lieutenant, or whatever) in Deep Space has had an interesting life.  He was born in Sweden, served as a personal bodyguard to the king of Sweden, served as a U.S. marine, raced cars professionally in Florida, and won a championship in judo -- all before starting an acting career.  He's been in a ton of movies.  It's worth noting that he both starred in 1978's The Inglorious Bastards and Quentin Tarantino's 2009 film Inglourious Basterds.

Overall: 80s sci fi/horror schlock.  The gory bits at the end are oddly satisfying though.

9. Below the Belt (1980)*

The Premise: A woman between relationships pursues a career in professional wrestling.

Where Are They Now?: No one in this movie seems to have gone on to fame and fortune.

Overall: "Rosa's theme" really wears out its welcome, but otherwise this is a good movie.  One of the best I've seen in a while.

10. Blastfighter (1984)

The Premise: An ex-cop with a supergun takes on evil hunters.

Where Are They Now?: Michael Sopkiw now imports and distributes glass bottles into the state of California.

Overall: The first half is like every other 80s cop movie you've ever seen, and the second is a First Blood ripoff.  All of this by way of Italy, where many of the cast and crew members were from.

11. The Heavenly Kid (1985)

Definitely one of the whitest movies ever made.  Not to get all woke or anything, but I believe there are only two people of color in this entire thing, and they're only onscreen for a few seconds.

The Premise: A greaser from the early 60s travels to the 80s to help a zero become a hero.

Where Are They Now?: Lewis Smith went on to found the Actors Academy in Los Angeles.  He also appeared (super) briefly in Quentin Tarantino's Django Unchained.

Jason Gedrick went on to star in Iron Eagle.  He's mostly doing TV now.

Richard Mulligan is probably the best-remembered member of the cast.  He'd go on to star in the TV show Empty Nest.  He passed away in 2000.

Overall: I later remembered seeing this on cable when I was a kid.  I'm not surprised I forgot it.  Harmless fun, but too whitebread for its own good.

12. Bloodbath at the House of Death (1984)

The Premise: British horror parody set in an old mansion.

Where Are They Now?: Comedian Kenny Everett, who died of AIDS in 1995, was a complicated figure.  He found fame as a radio personality, but his status as a closeted gay man and his support for a homophobic Conservative Party led to public criticism.

Pamela Stephenson has had a long and varied career.  From stage and screen she transitioned into pop psychology.  Her highest profile movie was probably Superman III, in which she played "Lorelei," and around the same time she was a cast member on Saturday Night Live.

Overall: There are a couple funny scenes but this movie hasn't aged well.

13. Bloodfight (1989)

The Premise: Fighters from around the world (?) convene in Hong Kong for the Free Fighting Championship.

Where Are They Now?: Bolo Yeung will be recognizable from Bloodsport, that most 80s of 80s martial arts action movies, and Bruce Lee's Enter the Dragon.  He's still lurking around the world of low budget fight movies.  His last film was 2017's Diamond Cartel.

Overall: Very boring.

14. The Blue Lightning (1986)

The Premise: Sam Elliot evades strangely resilient bad guys while pursuing an opal across the Australian Outback.

Where Are They Now?: Most recently Elliot appeared in the miniseries 1883, which is a prequel to Yellowstone.

Robert Culp, like Elliot, appeared in a lot of Westerns before his death in 2010.  His last big movie was 1993's The Pelican Brief.

Overall: It has its corny moments (especially Elliot explaining how he's descended from Crazy Horse), but it's not a bad movie.

15. Hamburger: The Motion Picture (1987)

"Ham-burgers!  For Americaaa!!!"

...and what industry would employ "industrial strength laxatives," exactly?  Am I overthinking things yet again?

I'd mostly forgotten this movie, but for whatever reason I remembered "Mrs. Vunk."  Yeah, I was about that age when this appeared on cable.

The Premise: A ladies' man enrolls in Busterburger University in order to receive his inheritance.  An alternate synopsis might be Stripes and/or Police Academy set in "Hamburger University."

Where Are They Now?: Star Leigh McCloskey took a sharp left turn into art, philosophy and the occult.  He's mostly known for his paintings now.

NFL player and commentator Dick Butkus died last year of a stroke.  Besides football he appeared in many films.

Overall: It's goofy fun.  Sure, it'll remind you of other teen sex comedies, but don't they all?

16. Burial Ground (1981)

The Premise: Several people vacationing in an Italian villa attempt to escape zombies in the most random manner possible.

Where Are They Now?: The director, Andrea Bianchi, was making movies up until 1993.  His last movie was 3 Ninjas: Knuckle Up.

Overall: Some of the women are hot and some of the zombies are unintentionally hilarious.  The VHS tape was a fixture at many mom and pop video rental stores back in the day.  The artwork is far more arresting than the actual movie.

17. Joysticks (1983)

The Premise: A wealthy citizen tries to shut down a local arcade.  In theory this is the plot, but it's really more like: setup for gag/gag/setup for boobies/boobies.  Rinse and repeat.

Where Are They Now?: Joe Don Baker's last movie was 2012's Mud.

Overall: It's the same kind of silliness, but I didn't find Joysticks as enjoyable as Hamburger: The Motion Picture.  I enjoyed the shots of arcade games, but the scenes between the games range from awkward to downright confusing.

18. Surviving: A Family in Crisis (1985)

The Premise: Suicide touches the lives of two suburban families.

Where Are They Now?: Ellen Burstyn, Zach Galligan, Molly Ringwald, Heather O'Rourke and River Phoenix.  By 80s standards the cast was stacked.  Galligan had just come off of Gremlins, Ringwald appeared in The Breakfast Club the same year, O'Rourke had already done Poltergeist and Phoenix would do Explorers the same year.

O'Rourke, sadly, passed away from Crohn's Disease in 1988.  Phoenix, brother of Joaquin, died of a drug overdose in 1993.

Galligan and Ringwald are still around, though neither of them are appearing in Hollywood blockbusters.  Ringwald's doing a lot of TV, and Galligan is doing voice work in relation to the Gremlins franchise.

Overall: Even given the subject matter, this TV movie is extremely melodramatic in parts.  Pacing is also a serious issue.  Much of it seems rushed and slightly off the mark.

19. Mutator (1989)

The Premise: An evil corporation creates a monster.

Where Are They Now?: Brion James died in 1999, ten years after this movie was released.  He appeared in many genre pictures between the 80s and 90s: everything from Blade Runner to Tango & Cash.

Overall: It's a combination of bad acting and bad dialogue for sure, but the biggest problem is the story, which takes forever to get going and never generates a sufficient amount of chills.

20. Electric Dreams (1984)

Ah, Virginia Madsen.  She was so radiantly beautiful around the time this movie came out.

And what better time to watch Electric Dreams, in the midst of all these AI-centric discussions?  It's 2024, we're well past what the computer in this film can do, and from the vantage point of the future this movie seems very prescient.

The Premise: A lovestruck loser accidentally creates a computer that can think for itself.

Where Are They Now?: Virginia Madsen did Dune the same year.  Her next big hit was 1992's Candyman.  She was nominated for a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for 2004's Sideways and she's done several movies and TV shows since.

Lenny Von Dohlen passed away two years ago, in 2022.  He did some movies and TV after Electric Dreams, his last, best known appearance being in the Twin Peaks TV show.

Fun Fact: The computer in this movie was voiced by Bud Cort, who played "Harold" in Harold & Maude.

Overall: Electric Dreams is adorable.  This film has aged extremely well.

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Academy Award Winners: 1929-1930

*This movie was actually filmed in 1974.  It wasn't released until 1980.

Still More 80s Movies

1. 3:15 (1986)

The Plot: A few narcotically disinclined students stand up against the whitest gang Los Angeles has ever seen.  Remember Adam Baldwin?  No relation to Alec?  I'd forgotten all about him as well.

Where Are They Now?: After appearing in Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket the following year, Baldwin was cast in countless supporting roles over the next several decades.  He's also done a ton of TV and voice work.

Besides Baldwin, Mario Van Peebles and Gina Gershon might be familiar.  Peebles plays the leader of the school's black gang, a group of better-dressed dudes who add absolutely nothing to the plot, and Gershon plays one of the Cobrettes, the female branch of the Cobras.

Overall: Three O'Clock High followed a similar trajectory, but did so much better.  This movie suffers from bad editing and worse sound.

2. Act of Vengeance (1986)

The Plot: Charles Bronson and Wilford Brimley square off for control of a miner's union in this TV movie.

Where Are They Now?: Bronson and Brimley have gone on to their great reward. Ellen Burstyn is still one of the best actresses working today. A fun thing about this movie is the appearance of Keanu Reeves toward the end. He was around 22 at the time,  and Act of Vengeance was one his earliest onscreen roles. 

Fun Fact: Bronson turned down Lee Marvin's role in The Delta Force to do this movie.

Overall: It's WEIRD to see Bronson and Burstyn onscreen together, but he holds his own and the story, based on an actual incident, is compelling.

3. Alison's Birthday (1981)

The Plot: Australian giallo?  Something like that.  A young woman's dead father warns her away from her coming nineteenth birthday, and as you can imagine the strange occurrences multiply from that point on.

Where Are They Now?: Nobody in this movie went on to Hollywood fame and fortune. Most of them, in fact, had their careers firmly behind them, in the 1970s. The lead actress's claim to fame is (briefly) playing Mel Gibson's wife in Mad Max.

Overall: It's an extremely forgettable retread of Rosemary's Baby with a twist ending thrown in.

4. Amityville III (a.k.a. "Amityville 3-D" or "Amityville III: The Demon") (1983)

The Plot: A skeptical investigative reporter buys the titular haunted house.  You can probably guess the rest.  The elevator scene is damn silly, but it builds up a decent amount of tension over the course of 1.5 hours.

The ending of this movie, by the way, freaked me the f*&k out as a kid.  I'd forgotten the name of the film, but that bit with "the well" gave me nightmares for the longest time.

Where Are They Now?: You may recognize scream queen Candy Clark from appearances in Blue Thunder, The Man Who Fell To Earth and American Graffiti.  She'd go on to bit parts in many films and television shows.  Her most recent screen appearance was in 5 Weddings, a movie I haven't seen.

And hey look!  Meg Ryan and Lori Loughlin!  Ryan would of course go on to bigger and better things, and Loughlin would play Rebecca in the Full House TV show several years after this movie.  She was arrested in a big college bribery scandal a few years ago.

Director Richard Fleischer had quite a history in Hollywood.  He started directing in 1946 and ended his career with 1987's Million Dollar Mystery.  He directed a lot of good movies, but he directed a lot of bad ones as well.  It may surprise you to know that the same guy who directed 10 Rillington Place, Soylent Green and Fantastic Voyage also directed The Jazz Singer, Conan the Destroyer and Red Sonja.

Overall: It's not bad.  The Amityville franchise was never one of the better horror franchises, but I think I can say that this is one of the best entries in the series?

5. Android (1982)

The Plot: A mad scientist creates an android on a space station, a group of escaped criminals arrive, and that's about it.  Most of this film is shots of people walking down corridors.

Where Are They Now?: Klaus Kinski died in 1991.  The Hollywood phase of his career is not remembered fondly.  His last movie was Kinski Paganini in 1989.

Don Keith Opper (a.k.a. "Max 404") would go on to appear in the Critters movies.

Brie Howard, who plays the female escapee here, has the most interesting biography.  She was lead vocalist for the band Fanny back in the 70s.  In the 80s she was doing TV and low budget movies like Android, but she's also had quite a career as a drummer.

Overall: One of the most uninteresting science fiction movies I've ever seen.  There might have been a big, German, philosophical, World On a Wire-type story somewhere in the script, but there's little evidence of it in Android.

6. Misunderstood (1984)

The Plot: Gene Hackman stars as a widower in North Africa trying to reconnect with his sons.

Where Are They Now?: Gene Hackman retired from acting in 2004. He co-writes historical novels with another author now.

Henry Thomas appears in The Fall of the House of Usher series. At the time he did Misunderstood he was still well known for his role as Elliott in E.T.

Director Jerry Schatzberg was a much bigger deal in the 70s. He didn't do much in the 80s.

Overall: Hackman gets angry, Thomas mopes around, and the ending tries to jerk tears it hasn't earned. If I were you I'd give this one a miss.

7. The Annihilators (1985)

The Plot: A gang of sadistic, atrociously dressed thugs terrorize a small town, and it's time for a team of Vietnam vets to take back the streets.

This movie reminded me of how big the Missing In Action films and The A-Team were, and how large the Vietnam War loomed over the 80s.

Where Are They Now?: Most of these guys were television actors.  The most famous of them might be Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, who played "Boom Boom" on Welcome Back Kotter.

Overall: It's super low budget, and it often veers into Troma territory.  I recommend cracking a cold one and spending an afternoon with The Annihilators.  It's good for a few chuckles.

8. Ator: The Fighting Eagle (1982)

Miles "Tarzan" O'Keefe and Laura "Emmanuelle" Gemser in the same movie?  With Joe D'Amato directing?  F%$king sign me up, man!  I knew I'd be all over this film in the first five minutes.

The Plot: Ator, a character that's NOT Conan the Barbarian, does battle with the Spider Kingdom.

Where Are They Now?: Miles O'Keefe's "acting" career seems to have ended in the early 2000s.  His Wikipedia entry sayeth not what he's up to now, if anything.

Laura Gemser is something of a mystery.  She's still alive somewhere, but it's hard to separate online rumors from fact.

Joe D'Amato died in 1999.  His career was very, very long and he experienced more ups and downs than most.

Overall: Where The Annihilators is so bad it might be good, Ator is so bad it's definitely good.

Further Viewing: There's a whole series of Ator films.  Welp, there goes my weekend!

9. Ator: The Blade Master (1982)

The plot of this one is even murkier than the plot of the first.  Part of it rips off Conan the Barbarian, and another part is so ridiculous you'll be laughing out loud.

The Plot: Ator uses the sciency power of sciency science to secure "the nucleus," an atomic weapon created by a scientist who enjoys wearing robes and handing out platitudes that don't make a great deal of sense.  "After death all levels are the same."  Sure, dude, have a great day.

Where Are They Now?: Lisa Foster, who appears in this movie as the scientist's daughter, went on to a career behind the camera as a visual effects artist.

Overall: Even more gloriously terrible than the first movie.  Could've used more boobies and/or gore, but then again it had to pass the Italian censorship board...

10. Iron Warrior (1987)

The third film in the Ator series, with Alfonso Brescia directing instead of Joe D'Amato.  Also much higher production values in this film -- perhaps to its disadvantage?

The Plot: A freshly braided Ator does battle with... a witch?  An evil goddess?  I just watched it and I'm not entirely sure.  This one feels a bit like something film school students might have made over a weekend.  More style and less substance.

Where Are They Now?: Alfonso Brescia was never in danger of winning an Academy Award.  He passed away in 2001.

Overall: It's not as delightfully silly as the first two Ator installments.  Those responsible wanted to buy the rights to Conan the Barbarian and continue that series, but once they found themselves unable to do so they made this into another Ator film instead.  Keep your eyes peeled.. that set look familiar?  Yes, that's the seaside town from 1980's Popeye!

I won't be reviewing the fourth Ator film, Quest for the Mighty Sword here, because it came out during the following decade.

11. Scared to Death (a.k.a. "Scared to Death: Syngenor" and "The Aberdeen Experiment) (1980)

According to Wikipedia the director created the monster suit first, after having seen Ridley Scott's Alien.

The Premise: A monster lurks beneath the streets of Los Angeles, and a private investigator is charged with tracking it down.

Where Are They Now?: Director William Malone went on to do Creature, House on Haunted Hill and FeardotCom.

Overall: I'm not exactly sure what it is about this movie, but it feels like porn is about to break out at any moment.  The "Syngenor" (synthesized genetic organism) looks kind of cool, but overall Scared to Death lacks atmosphere and resembles too many other movies.

Fun Fact: There was a sequel, Syngenor, in 1990.

12. Avenging Force (1986)

How did he go from the bayou to the "headquarters" to the mansion?  Were they all right next to each other?

The Premise: Michael "the Dude" Dudikoff and the black guy from American Ninja take on folk-rock band Pentangle, best known for their song "Basket of Light."

Kidding about that last part.  "The Pentangle" are a group of rich white dudes who like hunting "the most dangerous game," and OF COURSE they end up hunting Dudikoff, and OF COURSE he turns the tables on them before the end credits begin their inevitable roll down the screen.

Where Are They Now?: The Golan Globus team brought director Sam Firstenberg over from -- you guessed it -- American Ninja.  He continued to direct lower budget films up until the early 2000s.

Michael Dudikoff is still around.  Like Sam Firstenberg he's doing low budget movies.

Steve James (the black guy) died in the 90s.  He had even more Golan Globus cred than Dudikoff.  Besides appearing alongside Dudikoff in American Ninja he also appeared alongside Chuck Norris in The Delta Force.  Avenging Force was supposed to be a sequel to The Delta Force, but things didn't pan out that way.

Overall: How do you like your 80s action cheese?  This movie ticks off all the boxes save gratuitous nudity.

13. Parasite (1982)

Demi Moore, before she was famous, and Cherie Currie from The Runaways!

The Premise: A doctor (Virologist?) creates a parasite with the disadvantageous habit of killing its host.

Where Are They Now?: Director Charles Band went on to a long, long series of horror movies you've probably never heard of.

Demi Moore is still going strong.  Her next movie, The Substance, sounds like it could be interesting.  I always felt that G.I. Jane was a really underrated film.

I kid you not, these days Cherie Currie's main job is making chainsaw sculptures.  She still does movies and music, but yeah, chainsaw sculptures.

Overall: Shades of Cronenberg, but neither intellectual nor icky enough.

14. Wavelength (1983)

Cherie Currie again, this time paired with pre-Revenge of the Nerds Robert Carradine.  Oh, and a soundtrack by Tangerine Dream!

The Premise: A young woman receives a telepathic S.O.S. from aliens trapped inside a government research facility.

Where Are They Now?: Robert Carradine divides his time between low budget movies and low budget TV shows.  His last big movie was Django Unchained, which he's only in for about a minute.

Overall: This movie will remind you a lot of John Carpenter's Starman.  VERY few Hollywood movies are completely original, and are often the product of several botched attempts.

I'd give Wavelength a passing grade, but the military's actions toward the end don't make a lot of sense.  Besides this, more effort should have been put into the aliens' appearance.

15. Basic Training (1985)

A Skinemax movie if there ever was one.  It goes from zero to nude before the opening credits start rolling.

The Premise: A young, prudish woman goes to work at the Pentagon.  Forays into sex and sexual harassment ensue.

Where Are They Now?: Nobody in this movie went on to do anything of note.

Overall: You wouldn't know it from the YouTube comments, but this one is pretty bad.

16. 2020 Texas Gladiators (1982)

Mad Max via the rapidly contracting Italian film industry.

The Premise: The Rangers dispense justice in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.

Where Are They Now?: Director Joe D'Amato is discussed above.  None of the cast members went on to fame and fortune post-2020 Texas Gladiators.

Overall: Crucifying the priest in the beginning of the movie was a nice touch.  Aside from this a very forgettable movie.

17. Schizoid (1980)

The Premise: A killer stalks women attending group therapy sessions.

Where Are They Now?: Klaus Kinski is discussed above.  Surprisingly enough, Christopher Lloyd is also in this.  He'd go on to do Back to the Future of course, and most recently he appeared in the third season of The Mandalorian.

Overall: A by-the-numbers slasher pic that doesn't offer much of a plot twist.

18. Beyond the Seventh Door (1987)

Man, what a weird-looking dude.

The Premise: A thief fresh from prison tries to rob a castle... and finds himself caught in a trap!

Where Are They Now?: Lazar Rockwood more recently appeared on the Witchblade TV series.  His costar Bonnie Beck never escaped the low budget horror genre.

Overall: Wall-to-wall terrible acting and an uninteresting story.  Watching this one was a chore.

19. Lensman: The Secret of the Lens (1987)

The CGI in this one hasn't aged well.  It seems obvious to me that someone in Japan saw Tron one too many times, and their attempt to blend Tron-style CGI and anime  isn't always successful.

The Premise: Star Wars meets the Green Lantern Corps?

Overall: Along with Act of Vengeance above and Evilspeak below this is one of the three genuinely good movies here.  In terms of the genre it's unsurprising, but I think E. E. "Doc" Smith would have been happy with the finished product.

20. Evilspeak (1981)

The Premise: A young man bullied in military school finds the answer to his dilemma in SATAN.

Where Are They Now?: It may surprise you to know that the star of this movie, Clint Howard, is director Ron Howard's younger brother.  He still does bit parts in movies and TV.

Overall: Clint Howard is a good actor and the direction was competent.  They just needed to turn up the volume a bit -- make the headmaster more sadistic, the bullies more calculating in their cruelty, and the protagonist more pathetic.  Had they done so the "payoff" at the end would have been even more satisfying.  Evilspeak is a good movie, but with a slight nudge it would have been even better.

Fun Fact 1: The church where they filmed this movie burned to the ground three days after filming was concluded.

Fun Fact 2: None other than Anton Levay was a fan of Evilspeak.

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