"Home Below Hell's Canyon" by Grace Jordan (1954)

"Suddenly the canyon opened for a constricted ranch with weathered buildings, but the bit of field above the rocky terrace was lush with green.  Grandpa pointed to the field.  'The winters here are mild,' he said contentedly.  'In the main, of course.  Mild winters, no roads reaching in.  That's why it's a great stock country.'"

Grace Jordan and her family moved to a ranch near Hell's Canyon in the midst of the Great Depression.  Apparently they were coming from eastern Oregon (near Enterprise), and their move to an isolated sheep ranch on the Snake River was a gamble.

Aside from the above, there's really not much to say about this book.  Mrs. Jordan arrives at the ranch with her three children, and they then set about making a life in one of the most remote parts of the continental U.S.  They install plumbing, various children get sick, and Grace's husband Len takes sheep up into the hills.  They have no TV, no reliable phone connection, no refrigerator, and the nearest road is a day's ride away.

There's also no real conclusion to Mrs. Jordan's story.  At the end of the book they simply move to the nearest town, and do so for no identifiable reason other than a concern for their children's schooling.  Some readers might find this lack of an overarching message or conclusion frustrating, but I think that it lends the book an authenticity it wouldn't have otherwise had.  It's just life - hour by hour, day by day - and things just tend to happen.

If you're interested in the history of Idaho, Oregon, or the Pacific Northwest I would recommend this book.  It's an easy read, and it's interesting to learn about how people survive the 19th century while (ostensibly) living in the 20th.

Related Entries:

"Crow Killer" by Raymond W. Thorp and Robert Bunker (1969)
"Astoria" by Peter Stark (2015)
"The Oregon Trail" by Rinker Buck (2015)
"Historic America: The Northwest" by Jim Kaplan (2002)

"House of Suns" by Alastair Reynolds (2008)

"With that, Jynx climbed into his craft and sped away in a flicker of mechanical wings.  The flier lifted from the platform and headed in the same general direction, back to the city, where it would wait until the break of day.  Purslane and I stood together and watched the two dots diminish until they were no longer distinguishable from the sky"

Alastair Reynolds has a PhD in Astronomy, lives in the Netherlands, and has written many science fiction novels.  House of Suns is the first of his books I've read, but I've also read some of his short stories in The Year's Best Science Fiction collections.

In this novel, a pair of clones travel across the galaxy, eventually uncovering a secret that shakes their society to its very foundations.  Various worlds are visited, robots scheme and plot revenge, and occasionally (very occasionally) something interesting happens.

In-between those interesting moments the characters talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and between events of actual significance there are strange interludes where daily chores are described in detail, and where characters of secondary importance are given more emphasis than they ought to have.  Add to this the most convoluted, nonsensical, and altogether mystifying torture scene* I've ever come across, in any book or movie anywhere, and that pretty much sums of House of Suns.  And while it might not be as tedious as Eon, another book previously reviewed here, it's definitely tedious, and moreover tedious from beginning to end.

One of the most irritating things about this book is its inability (or unwillingness) to speculate upon the technologies it introduces.    The author's use of scientific concepts is certainly consistent, but he dumbs-down the science for the sake of the narrative, and the result is something that manages to make even Star Wars look like "hard sci-fi."

Another shortcoming is the completely arbitrary way in which the plot unfolds.  Things just happen, without any regard for previous developments or "rules" set up in earlier parts of the novel.  It's a lot like hearing a seven year old make up a story: "Oh, and then, and then, the robots aren't really our friends, ok?  Because a long time ago this other thing happens, and what they really want to do is..."  

You get the picture.  And of course the result of all this arbitrariness is that the characters lose any consistency built up beforehand.  We're left with a menagerie of overly polite, somewhat British, cardboard cut-outs discussing seemingly important events that we never "witness," all leading to some kind of conclusion that few will find engaging.

Alastair Reynolds?  This is the first of his books I've read, and it will, most likely, be the last.

*That torture scene?  They take panes of a transparent material and section the person being interrogated.  Even though separated into thousands of sections by this material, the person being interrogated continues to function normally, without any real sense of discomfort.  It's a lot like that scene with the horse in the 2000 movie The Cell, but that scene was, of course, a dream in the killer's mind.

Some Other Movies From 1988

Saw all of the movies below recently.  Not sure what's going on with 1988, but I had trouble finding movies that I hadn't seen and/or wanted to see.  Either I've seen most of the movies from that year, or it wasn't a good year for movies - I'm not sure which.  

The films that follow were discovered via Wikipedia's "1988 in Film" article.

Some Good Ones

1. A Cry in the Dark (a.k.a. Evil Angels)

Meryl Streep and Sam Neill star as an Australian couple tried in the court of public opinion after the death of their infant daughter.  It's a very overlooked film, and the courtroom scenes near the end are excellent.  Based on a true story.

2. Frantic

Harrison Ford stars as an American doctor searching for his missing wife in Paris.  Roman Polanski directed.  It's still a great, atmospheric film, and Emmanuelle Seigner gives a memorable performance as a drug courier.  That woman was beautiful.

3. The Seventh Sign

Still an entertaining movie, even if the characters often do inexplicable things.  Demi Moore plays a mother-to-be obsessed with the apocalypse, and Michael Biehn is her useless husband.  Not the Exorcist by any stretch of the imagination, but not bad.

4. The Dead Pool

Clint Eastwood stars as "Dirty" Harry Callahan in the fifth and final installment in that series.  The highlight is probably a brief but memorable performance by Jim Carrey, who lip syncs "Welcome to the Jungle."  You can even see members of Guns N' Roses on the boat where Liam Neeson, playing a director, is filming.

I like the radio-controlled-car-as-bomb idea.  It's just too bad they employ this idea so late in the movie.

5. Patty Hearst

Natasha Richardson, Ving Rhames, and William Forsythe star in this movie about the famous heiress's abduction by the counterculture.  Paul Schrader put his heart and soul into this film, and Ving Rhames is particularly memorable as the leader of the Symbionese Liberation Army.  Like A Cry in the Dark, also a very overlooked movie.

6. The Accused

Jodie Foster deserved the Academy Award she won for this film.  It's still one of the most heart-wrenching depictions of rape and its psychological impact, and also a solid courtroom drama.  Certainly one of the best movies of 1988.

7. The Accidental Tourist

William Hurt plays a travel writer trying to cope with the death of his son.  It sounds really depressing, but it has a lot of lighter moments that make the movie more watchable.  Far less depressing than Hurt's earlier film, Children of a Lesser God.

Some Bad Ones

1. Permanent Record

It says a lot about how bad a movie is when the lead character kills himself, halfway through, and you STILL don't care.  Keanu Reeves appears in this film, and the only good thing I can say about it is that it was filmed at several locations along the Oregon coast, an area I have a special fondness for.

2. Cocktail

Tom Cruise stars as an embarrassingly poetic bartender.  If they'd just stayed in Jamaica it might have been light-hearted fun, but instead they go back to New York, and then it gets all broody and dark.  Is this the worst Tom Cruise movie?  Yes, I believe it is!

3. Arthur 2: On the Rocks

God damn, this movie's painful.  Two hours of listening to Dudley Moore and Liza Minnelli laugh at their own jokes, and on top of that the adoption subplot makes absolutely no sense.  Alcoholism, homelessness, and mental illness are funny!  HA HA HA HA HA.  Why aren't you laughing?  Come on, this shit is hysterical!

I have vague memories of watching the first Arthur on HBO when I was a kid.  However good or bad the first film was, it must of been better than this.

4. Vibes

Jeff Goldblum and Cyndi Lauper (!) star as a pair of psychics hunting for an Incan city of gold.  Lauper's not a bad actress, but this movie just isn't funny.  I think they were going for "Ghostbusters," but Goldblum can't make unfunny lines funny the way Bill Murray could.

5. High Spirits

It might have been filmed in Ireland, but this is still the most "American" movie Neil Jordan ever made.  Peter O'Toole, Steve Guttenberg, and Beverly D'Angelo star as tourists trapped in a haunted castle  It's a real chore to sit through.  

Fun Fact: Jennifer Tilly, who also appears in this movie, is now a world class poker player.

6. Some Girls

This movie is DUMB.  A young man visits his girlfriend's eccentric/annoying family during Christmas.  The funny parts aren't funny, and the events leading up to these "funny" parts feel very contrived.  Even if you just wanted to see Jennifer Connelly in her underwear there are better movies.

Some That Are So Bad They're Good

1. Bloodsport

Watching Jean Claude Van Damme and Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds play Karate Champ is about as 80s as you can get.  And hey, isn't that Forest Whitaker?  Yes, I believe it is...  

JCVD was a bad actor in 1988, but as we later learned he had hidden talents.  He also had the background to play Frank Dux, the real-life (?) tough guy upon whom Bloodsport was based.  It's a solidly put together action film, and at times delightfully cheesy.  

Fun Fact #1: Director Newt Arnold was Assistant Director on The Godfather Part II.  

Fun Fact #2: Frank Dux's claims of Kumite glory might be complete bullshit.  Several people, including the co-writer of Bloodsport, have stated that his martial arts background is completely false, and that: "the organization that allegedly staged the Kumite had the same address as Dux's house."

2. Mac and Me

Terrible, right from the opening credits.  In the face of any reasonable understanding of astrophysics, or even general scientific concepts, a family of aliens is accidentally transported to Earth.  The nonsensical plot, the not-so-special effects, and the star's acting (dis)ability all combine to make a delightfully bad film.  

Fun Fact: This triumph of cross-promotion lost out on a lot of the "worst of" awards to Tom Cruise's Cocktail, and while yes, Cocktail is indisputably bad, Mac and Me is probably worse.

Related Entries:

Some Other Movies from 1986
A Review of Every DC Movie from 2005 to the Present (Revised as of November 16, 2017)
Justice League!
The FoX-men No More?  FoxTastic No Longer?

*Hell yes, Michael Biehn!

"Neuromancer" by William Gibson (1984)

"'Autonomy, that's the bugaboo, where your AI's are concerned.  My guess, Case, you're going in there to cut the hardwired shackles that keep this baby from getting any smarter."

William Gibson is a Canadian-American author, best known for pioneering the cyberpunk genre and inventing the term "cyberspace."  He's written many books, and his writing career stretches back to the late 70s.

In Neuromancer, a hacker down on his luck is sent on a mission by a form of artificial intelligence.  Along the way he crosses paths with clones, space Rastafarians, and cybernetically enhanced ninjas.

And that's about it really.  It's a short book.  It's also Gibson's first novel, and I've got to say that as first novels go, it blows most other first novels out of the water.  It's lean, it's action-packed, and gets straight to the point in a rather poetic fashion.  I thoroughly enjoyed this book, and it's easy to see its influence over subsequent books, movies, and even music.

Strange to say, and despite my decades reading science fiction, this is the first of Gibson's novels I've read.  I look forward to reading more soon, and I think it'll be interesting to compare this, his earliest effort, to more recent works by the same author.

If You Liked This Book, You Might Also Like:

"Permutation City" by Greg Egan
"The Information" by James Gleick

Some Other Movies from 1986

Saw all of the movies below recently.  For those wondering how I came upon them, I hereby refer you to the "1986 in Film" article on Wikipedia.

Some Good Ones

1. Youngblood

Rob Lowe penetrates (or is he penetrated by?) the world of Canadian hockey.  Patrick Swayze costars, and if you squint real hard you'll see Keanu Reeves in his first big movie.*  Definitely not great, but watchable.  This movie is extremely homoerotic at times.

2. Pretty in Pink

This movie is so 80s it wears a Thriller jacket.  It also knows the words to every song by Duran Duran.  

And by the way, was there any 80s movie that Harry Dean Stanton wasn't in?  Damn, the guy was in everything!  

Pretty in Pink is still good, still a big influence on Spider-Man: Homecoming, and if it doesn't give you high school flashbacks I'd be surprised.  For the record, and in all honesty, I didn't go to my high school prom, and no, it's never kept me up nights.

3. The Manhattan Project

John Lithgow plays a nuclear physicist trying to clean up the mess created by a "boy genius" who builds an atomic bomb using stolen uranium.  The young protagonist is one of the stupidest smart people ever, and the security in that plutonium enrichment facility is a joke.  Reminded me a lot of 1983's WarGames, though not nearly as good.

4. Lucas

Ah, Kerri Green.  Once upon a time, I was madly in love with Kerri Green.  Of course I wasn't much younger than Corey Haim was when he filmed this movie, so I suppose it's excusable.  Kerri Green, where are you now?

Lucas is the story of a socially awkward boy (Haim) who's in love with his high school classmate (Green).  But Green's in love with Charlie Sheen, so you can guess how that goes.  Pretty in Pink is a more stylized version of high school, whereas Lucas is probably more like how it really was.

5. At Close Range

Still a great movie.  Two brothers (Sean and Chris Penn) get into trouble after reuniting with their father (Christopher Walken).  It's an interesting portrait of crime in small town America.

Damn, Sean Penn was jacked back in the day.

6. Black Moon Rising

Tommy Lee Jones stars as an ex-burglar working for the government.  Linda Hamilton costars as a car thief who stumbles across the "Black Moon," a supercar with a jet engine.  It doesn't suck, but it feels a lot like a TV movie.

And here's the thing: Why does Tommy Lee Jones think it's a good idea to hide the tape inside the experimental car?  He must have passed a thousand hiding places between the office and the gas station - why pick the experimental car?

7. Children of a Lesser God

William Hurt stars as a teacher in a school for the deaf.  Marlee Matlin, in an Oscar-winning performance, stars as the young woman he tries to help and ultimately falls in love with.  The "synth wash" soundtrack wears out its welcome, but it's still an excellent movie.

8. Crossroads

Director Walter Hill channeled his love of the blues into this film about a young New Yorker seeking fame as a guitar player, and an old man looking for redemption.  I have a strong dislike for the macho bullshit present in Hill's 48 Hrs. and Streets of Fire, but in Crossroads he was at his best.  It probably helped a lot that Hill didn't write the script.

Can you imagine how hard it was for Steve Vai to mess up that solo?  He must have wanted to be in this movie real bad.

9. Hoosiers

You see?  White guys can play basketball!  Gene Hackman stars with Barbara Hershey and Dennis Hopper in this story about an Indiana high school basketball team that takes it all the way to the state finals.  The scenes with Hackman and Hopper together are the best parts of the movie.

10. Quicksilver

Quicksilver's like a more adult version of Rad (see below).  Kevin Bacon stars as a stock broker turned bike messenger, with a brief appearance by a much younger Larry (Laurence) Fishburne.  It ain't The Godfather, but it's not bad.  It should be noted that even though this came out only two years after Footloose, Bacon has referred to Quicksilver as "the absolute lowest point in my career."

11. Mona Lisa

Whatever happened to Bob Hoskins?  Did Who Framed Roger Rabbit kill his career so completely?  Whatever the case, he's on much firmer footing in Mona Lisa, a movie about an ex-convict attempting to re-unite with his daughter after a long stretch in prison.  It's Neil Jordan's third film, and shares many themes with his later smash success, The Crying Game.

12. Manhunter

Years before The Silence of the Lambs, Michael Mann directed this film adaptation of Thomas Harris's novel Red Dragon.  I have the feeling that it was a little too "police procedural" for audiences back in 1986 (i.e. it's pretty slow), but it's still a good movie with some interesting twists.

Some Bad Ones

1. Power

Despite having Sidney Lumet as director, this story of a campaign consultant's daily life is like watching paint dry.  Gene Hackman and Denzel Washington give memorable performances, but it's not enough to make this movie interesting.  For a much better movie that covers similar territory, I recommend 1972's The Candidate.

2. The Clan of the Cave Bear

God damn Neanderthals!  Raping our women!  Or wait - if Daryl Hannah is a Cro Magnon, is she really one of "our women?" 

The intricacies of human evolution aside, this movie is just boring.  I get the argument that the archaeological record wasn't the point, but even for 1986 it looks cheaply done, and the story is badly executed.  I have the feeling that the book was much better.

3. Ruthless People

Rolling Stones theme song.  I f*&king HATE 80s Rolling Stones.  And you know what I hate even more than 80s Rolling Stones?  Judge Reinhold.  Something about that guy makes my skin crawl.

This movie was a big hit in 86, but I've never understood its appeal.  The acting is completely over the top, and none of the characters are sympathetic and/or interesting.  Some of the scenes are still funny, but the plot's too convoluted for its own good.

4. Rad

Perhaps one of the whitest movies ever made, this one's about a small town paperboy with BMX dreams.  The pacing (or lack thereof) is a mess, and it gets pretty slow in places.  Some scenes border on "so bad it's good" territory (especially the "bike dance" part), but others are just BAD.  Fun Fact: Hal Needham, the director of this movie, also did Smokey and the Bandit and Cannonball Run.

5. Howard the Duck

If this movie had just been FUNNY, all would have been forgiven.  As it is, it's striking how few laughs one finds in a movie about an anthropomorphic duck from another planet.  Tim Robbins probably wishes he could forget about this one, even if he's the best thing in it.

And Leah Thompson.  That great degenerate of Western cinema!  Not only does she attempt to have sex with her own son in Back to the Future, but in Howard the Duck she attempts the deed most fowl!  Sure, she looks amazing in her underwear, but let us refrain from bestiality!

I wonder what James Gunn would do with Howard the Duck.  I'm not a big fan of the Guardians of the Galaxy, but it's interesting to speculate upon how he might have made the same material into an entertaining movie.

One That's So Bad It's Good

1. Never Too Young to Die

John "Full House" Stamos, George "007" Lazenby, Vanity (!), and Gene "Kiss" Simmons as Ragnar the Hermaphrodite.  Need I say more?  Stamos plays a low-grade James Bond, and there are a whole heap o' motorcycles.  Wait - if Lazenby plays a spy in this movie does that make it... canon?  Does Ragnar the Hermaphrodite inhabit the same cinematic universe as James Bond?!?!**

Related Entries:

A Review of Every DC Movie from 2005 to the Present (Revised as of November 16, 2017)
Justice League!
The FoX-men No More?  FoxTastic No Longer?
Some Other Movies From 1984

*It's actually his second movie, but who's bothered to watch "One Step Away" recently?  It doesn't even have a Wikipedia entry!

**In case you're confused, Lazenby was the star of "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" in 1969.  He was the "interim Bond," and only appeared in that one Bond film before Connery returned in 1970.

"Eon" by Greg Bear (1985)

"The glob dropped and fleshed out like a vampire in an old horror movie to form a masculine body, clothed in loose white shirt and forest-green pants.  The figure seemed to solidify."

Greg Bear is highly regarded among certain aficionados of "hard sci-fi."  He's written dozens of books, and his bibliography stretches back to the late 70s.  This novel, Eon, is the first of four books in his "The Way" series.

In the early 2000s, a massive object called The Stone appears near the Earth.  Several teams of scientists investigate this object, and after many years they uncover both the startling secret of The Stone's origin and its connections to worlds (and realities) far beyond their wildest imaginings.

In tone the earliest chapters of Eon reminded me a lot of Larry Niven's Ringworld, in that a cast of decidedly "diverse" individuals study of an object that defies our present understanding of physics, only to discover that a shadowy race of "engineers" is lurking behind the scenes.  You could also compare Eon to Arthur C. Clarke's 2001 series, which also features a mysterious object(s) lying at the edge of our exploratory capacity, followed by revelations concerning its creators and their "message from the stars."

Yet I think Ringworld is the more apt comparison, given that Eon shares the same flaws.  Despite the "hard science" on display, both novels fail to adequately think through the implications of the ideas presented, and instead attempt to overwhelm our critical instincts with concepts that were cutting-edge at the time.  Both books also feature paper-thin characterizations, and tend to wander more than they ought to.  The chief difference being that Ringworld is much shorter, and as a result much more readable.

I wanted very much to like Eon - I'd heard great things about it - but I found it less brilliant that its reputation would suggest.  I felt like there were glimmers of better novels in its pages, but the whole was much less than the individual parts.

P.S. It may be that I'm being overly hard on this one.  After reading Greg Egan's Permutation City, Eon might be a victim of my newer, higher expectations.  Whatever the case, Eon definitely ISN'T in the same league as Egan's book.

"Crow Killer" by Raymond W. Thorp and Robert Bunker (1969)

"It was clear from the manner in which his guard eyed Johnson that he had never counted coup.  He fingered his long knife lovingly, in an almost desperate desire to be the warrior who might take the scalp of the Crow Killer."

This is the book that inspired the movie Jeremiah Johnson.  There is little biographical information available on the authors.

Jeremiah was, by the way, his middle name.  In real life he was a Mountain Man known as John Johnson (or John Johnston).  He headed west toward the Rockies before the Civil War, took a member of the Flathead tribe to wife, returned home from a trapping expedition to find her murdered by the Crow, and spent years wreaking vengeance upon the Crow for their transgression.  We are fairly sure that most of this really happened, though in the case of John Johns(t)on it's hard to separate myth from fact.

He earned the nickname "Liver-Eating" from his practice of removing the livers of his Crow enemies and eating them raw.  Several of his acquaintances testified to this practice, and given the times and places Johnson inhabited I'm confident that the stories are true.  He was a man living on the very edge of civilization, and the details of his exploits aren't always pleasant.

This said, I really enjoyed Crow Killer, and it forms an excellent companion to the movie it inspired.  It reads like something Robert Louis Stevenson might have written, and the points at which its narrative intersects with history will be of great interest to anyone versed in the Wild West.

Oh, and anyone who enjoyed The Revenant would probably also like this book.  Some of Johnson's exploits and associates seem to have influenced that movie, too.

Related Entries:

"Astoria" by Peter Stark
"The Oregon Trail" by Rinker Buck
"Historic America: The Northwest" by Jim Kaplan

"First Person" by Richard Flanagan (2017)

"Early on the Sunday afternoon, a few hours before my flight back to Melbourne, Gene Paley rang to say he had read the draft chapter.  He declared it good as far as it went.  Though he felt I had conveyed something of the psychology of Heidl, what he needed now was a story.  Readers need a story.  The trade, he went on, needs a story."

Richard Flanagan is an Australian novelist born in Tasmania.  Two of his other novels, The Narrow Road to the Deep North and Gould's Book of Fish, have also been reviewed here.

In First Person, his newest book, an aspiring novelist takes on the job of ghostwriting an autobiography for a notorious con man.  He finds the task much more difficult than he first imagined, and he is confronted by constant attempts at psychological manipulation.  

On another level, it's a novel about writer's block, featuring the author-as-protagonist setup familiar from any number of other writers ranging from Stephen King to Philip Roth.  It's also tirelessly depressing, endlessly repetitive, and that big "reveal" you're waiting for never comes.  The author offers us not so much a story as a state of mind, and I'd have to say that the results are decidedly mixed.

As someone who loved Gould's Book of Fish and admired The Narrow Road to the Deep North, I'd have to say that First Person is something of a misfire for Richard Flanagan.  I went into it wanting to enjoy it, but now that I'm done with it I find myself wanting to read a novel with more of a story, with more variety, and with something more to say.  The kind of existential despair conveyed through First Person is just a bit too easy, and I know the author could have done a lot better.

A Review of Every DC Movie from 2005 to the Present (Revised as of November 16, 2017)

With various DC movies in various stages of production, I've decided to shorten this list.  It begins with Batman Begins.  For still older movies (and yes, I've seen them all!), look here.

****	Excellent!  Had to see it twice!
***	Good movie with a few flaws.
**	Not bad, but not great.
*	I’d watch it once if I was bored enough.
[no stars]	Just terrible.
@	So bad it’s kind of good.

2000s

18. Batman Begins (2005) ****

Hell yes.  This was a movie Batman as we always wanted to see him.  Not the neurotic guy with all the gadgets, but the kind of guy who could kick your ass.  The scarecrow is awesome here.

19. V for Vendetta (2005) ***

Great film, made by the Wachowskis of Matrix fame.  Hugo Weaving is fantastic, and even if they dumbed down the source material it's still worth your time.

20. Superman Returns (2006) **

Not as bad as some people make it out to be.  Yeah, Superman does come off as a stalker, and I don't know why they had to do so many of his flying scenes in CGI, but the part where Kevin Spacey and co. deliver a beatdown is excellent.

21. The Dark Knight (2008) ****

Still hands-down the best superhero movie ever made.  And yes, I liked The Avengers.  The plot is complex, the performances are amazing, and the direction is first-rate.  How could Nolan have ever topped this one?

22. The Spirit (2008)

Fuck this movie is bad.  I saw Sin City so many times I had the lines memorized, and with The Spirit I was hoping for something similarly classic.  Unfortunately Frank Miller isn't quite as good in the absence of Robert Rodriguez.

23. Watchmen (2009) ***

Two problems with this movie: the actors are too pretty, and way too much kung fu fighting.  Aside from these two problems, it is faithful to the comic book and works on many levels. Snyder might have bungled Sucker Punch, but this movie gave me hope for Man of Steel.

2010s

24. Jonah Hex (2010) *

Josh Brolin stars as an ex-confederate soldier who can talk to dead people.  John Malkovich is the villain.  It was almost a good movie, but the soundtrack ruins the better moments and it gets pretty corny near the end.

25. Green Lantern (2011)

This movie had everything going for it.  I'm not even a big fan of Green Lantern, but when I heard about the director and the cast I got really excited.  Unfortunately the road to Green Lantern is paved with good intentions.

26. The Dark Knight Rises (2012) **

This movie bored me.  It's over three hours long, and Bane is unintentionally hilarious at times.  Anne Hathaway makes a great Catwoman, but that's all I can say in favor of this film.

27. Man of Steel (2013) **

Half of a great movie, and half of a Michael Bay movie.  It starts out well, even though some of the details surrounding Krypton don't bear thinking about.  Henry Cavill is a great Superman, but Zack Snyder was trying too hard to please too large an audience.

28. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice ***1/2

I don't care what the critics say - this is a great f*&king movie.  I was unimpressed by Man of Steel - but this?  This was the one I'd been waiting for.  Probably a bit slow - or even too dark - for some, but I loved it.  An extra 1/2 star for the Ultimate Edition, which improves upon the theatrical cut.  This is DC done well.

29. Suicide Squad (2016)*

I was disappointed by this movie.  There is WAY too much backstory and many of the characters are underdeveloped.  Harley Quinn seems entirely too sane to have earned her reputation, and as a character Deadshot is unconvincing.  Joel Kinnaman does a valiant job of keeping the whole thing together, Viola Davis and Jared Leto give memorable (if brief) performances, but there's just not enough script to hang a whole movie on.

30. Wonder Woman (2017)**

The Good News: 1) It's better than Suicide Squad, and 2) Gal Gadot is a good enough actress to carry this movie.  The Bad News: 1) There are moments where this movie stops dead in its tracks, 2) the villain is completely undeveloped, and 3) parts of this movie bear an unfortunate resemblance to Captain America: the First Avenger.  The best bits are those in which the characters reflect on the differences between our world and Diana's.  I'm sad to say, however, that these moments are sandwiched between two halves of an action movie that doesn't quite work.

31. Justice League (2017)**

I would put it above Wonder Woman, Suicide Squad, and Man of Steel.  It will at times remind you a lot of the Avengers, but certain similarities were unavoidable given both the superhero team-up format and the fact that Joss Whedon was involved.  I'd like to see Aquaman further developed in his solo film, and I'm still waiting for that Flashpoint film.  Definitely worth seeing, though I doubt it will rock your world.

On the Way  

NOTE: There are a TON of DC movies in various stages of development, but Warner Bros. plans change often and their statements regarding these projects are often contradictory.  What's listed below is what's listed on the Wikipedia article for the DCEU.

33. Aquaman (2018)

Jason Momoa stars as Aquaman, with Patrick Wilson appearing as his brother Orm, the Ocean Master.  With director James Wan at the helm I (and a lot of other people) have a lot of confidence in this movie, though it will be a long wait until December of next year.

34. Shazam (2018)

David F. Sandberg is directing, with Zachary Levi (Fandral in Thor: the Dark World) starring as the World's Mightiest Mortal.  At the time of writing Mark Strong is in negotiations to play the villain, Dr. Sivana.  I think it has the potential to be a really fun film, but we'll have to see how it all plays out closer to the release date.

35. Wonder Woman 2 (2019)

After the thundering success of the first Wonder Woman this sequel was an inevitability.  It's taking over Justice League 2's release date, with all the important people returning for this second round of Amazonian goodness.  Setting this film in the modern day will be a welcome change.

36. Cyborg (2020)

Ray Fisher will reprise his role as Cyborg, though little else is known about this movie.  I'm hoping that in the sequel they can dispense with some of the cgi in favor of practical effects.  I doubt, however, that this will happen.  Tackling some of the character's psychological aspects might make for an interesting movie, but an action blockbuster will probably be the order of the day.

37. Green Lantern Corps (2020)

This movie's been announced, and Warner Bros. seems firm on the release date, but aside from that it's a mystery.  Some Green Lanterns appear in one of the flashback scenes in Justice League, so at least we have some idea what they might look like.

38. Other Projects That May or May Not Ever Get Made

Batgirl, The Batman, Flashpoint, Nightwing, Lobo, Man of Steel 2, and a bunch of other movies might get made, but at this point who really knows?  I mention six movies by name because they seem the most likely to end up in local multiplex...  BUT with the reception awaiting Justice League uncertain, we'll just have to wait and see.  A Flashpoint movie is particularly dependent on how Justice League does at the box office.

Justice League!

Holy Jesus!  Justice League came out today!  Is it really in theaters now?  Have I really seen it?  Or was it all a dream?

1. One Paragraph Summation of the DCEU Thus Far:

In the Beginning, Superman's dad saves Superman (and Krypton's DNA thingy) from Michael Shannon by shooting his infant son to Earth in a shoddily constructed rocket.  Superman grows up - rather sulkily - and after months in the gym and experiments with weight gain powders he finds out about his dad just as Michael Shannon arrives on Earth looking for that DNA thingy.  THEN SH*T GETS REAL.  Fighting, fighting, fighting.  Punching, punching, punching.  Cities are destroyed, Michael Shannon is killed - yay?  All is right with the world, except for the fact that broody Superman has unwittingly killed all those people who weren't Zod.  Then Batman shows up, tries to kill Superman, but forgets about the whole thing because of either the oft-reiterated "Martha" episode or because a giant supermonster created by Lex Luthor is about to destroy civilization as we know it.  With Wonder Woman's help, Batman and Superman kill the supermonster, but only after Superman has sacrificed his life for the sake of furthering his image as a latter-day Jesus.  Meanwhile, in a city whose name I'm either forgetting or repressing, a team of supercriminals band together to stop an ancient Central American demon - or something - all the while eluding Gangsta Joker's attempts to get his girlfriend back.  But wait!  Before all of THAT happens there's this island of stunningly beautiful women in the Mediterranean, and one of them goes to Europe to make World War One slightly less unpleasant.  And hurray!  She lives over a hundred years, long enough to help out Batman and Superman with that whole supermonster problem.  Thus leading to... JUSTICE LEAGUE, MOTHERF**KERS!!!

2. Thoughts on Individual Characters Before Actually Seeing the Movie

    2a. Superman

You know he's not really dead, right?  Like Jesus, he's coming back on the third day, or at least his third film.  One imagines that he'll be less broody this time, because four out of five people polled have requested that the next Superman be "less broody."  Messianic?  Sure.  But not broody!

    2b. Batman

I get why Affleck is cagey about how long he wants to play Batman.  He put his heart and soul into Batman v. Superman, and the critical reactions to that movie were probably hard to take.  Even so I think he's the best Batman ever, and hopefully his attitude will change if Justice League is better received.

    2c. Wonder Woman

I have no problem with Gal Gadot being Wonder Woman, even if I was underwhelmed by her first solo outing.  She's beautiful, she can act, and she was convincing in fight scenes.  I just wish they'd complicate her backstory a bit.  It would make the character more compelling.

    2d. Aquaman

Hate the costume, but Momoa can certainly carry a movie.  With all the great Aquaman costumes we've seen over the years, I don't know why they went with that green/gold thing.

    2e. The Flash

Hate the costume even more.  What's with this "armored Flash" thing they're doing?  The Flash has one of the most screen-ready costumes ever, and it would require little tweaking to make it look good in a movie.  I think Ezra Miller will make a good Flash, I just wish he looked less like a character from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure.

    2f. Cyborg (a.k.a. "the black guy")

I've been deliberately avoiding the latest trailers, but hopefully they improved the cgi used for Cyborg.  In the earliest trailers he looked amazingly fake.  And why do him in cgi anyway?  They've been doing live-action cyborg characters since 1987's Robocop.

    2g. Green Lantern?

Odds are he'll (she'll?) show up, even though I'd much prefer a look at Captain Marvel (a.k.a. Shazam).  I've never liked Green Lantern.  His/their powers are stupid, and even though Hal Jordan was kind of cool as Parallax, I wish they'd leave the Green Lantern Corps out of the DCEU.

    2h. Steppenwolf (a.k.a. "the bad guy")

He looks somewhat retarded in the trailers, but he's not much worse than Ares from Wonder Woman or Enchantress's brother from Suicide Squad.  Having Steppenwolf as the bad guy was a strange choice, but perhaps it'll make sense in the film.

3. Thoughts on the Director(s) of This Movie

I like Zack Snyder.  I think he's a great director when he has a good script to work from.  He obviously slaved over Batman v. Superman, and I don't think he deserved the knee-jerk reactions that movie engendered from Marvel drones.  If he directs the Justice League sequel I'm fine with that.

Joss Whedon, the guy called in for reshoots, is keeping a low profile after allegations of sexual harassment.  For the record I liked (didn't love) The Avengers, and (to a lesser extent) Age of Ultron.  Hopefully he didn't make Justice League too jokey.

4. I Just Saw the Movie!  What Did I Think?

     4a. The Story

In the wake of Superman's death, Steppenwolf arrives on Earth, trying to bring the three mother boxes together so he can turn our world into a mirror of his own.  In order to stop him, Batman assembles a team consisting of Wonder Woman, the Flash, Cyborg, Aquaman, and a resurrected Superman to do battle with this otherworldly threat.  After Steppenwolf unites the three mother boxes somewhere in Russia, the Justice League battles and ultimately defeats him.  The movie closes with Batman, Alfred, and Wonder Woman surveying a possible "Hall of Justice" where they'll meet in the future.

Mid-Credits Scene: The Flash and Superman begin a race to see who's faster.

Post-Credits Scene: After escaping prison, Lex Luthor meets Deathstroke to discuss forming "a league of our own."

     4b. My Reaction

First off, relax.  It's actually pretty good.  Not an instant classic by any means, but a solidly put together action movie that only drags a little bit near the middle.  Whedon's touches are fairly obvious, in particular a scene in their headquarters that brings the first Avengers to mind.

My major complaint about this movie is Steppenwolf.  He's about as forgettable as Ares from Wonder Woman, and he looks VERY stupid.  As villains go he's about as generic as they come.

The story's fairly solid and the characters' actions seem consistent with their personalities.  The tone shifts slightly after Wonder Woman talks with Batman at the lake - almost as if Whedon jumped in at that point, saying, "Alright, now it's MY turn!"  One wonders what Zack Snyder and writer Chris Terrio might have done in the absence of Joss Whedon, but such speculations will, I imagine, lead nowhere.

The Flash is my favorite character in this film.  As for the rest, they're either playing upon developments in previous movies or they weren't given enough screen time to be as interesting.  Jason Momoa is a good Aquaman - he just isn't in as much of this movie.

5. Looking Further Ahead...

It will be a LONG wait for the next DCEU movie, December 2018's Aquaman.  In April 2019 we'll finally get a look at Shazam, and during November of that same year Wonder Woman 2 will hit theaters.  Cyborg and The Green Lantern Corps are still on the schedule for 2020, but very few names are attached to either project.  The fate of films like Flashpoint and Man of Steel 2 is even less certain, though I'm sure that if Justice League is a big success they'll move into production sometime soon.  

I know fans find it frustrating, but I think Warner Bros. is smart not to announce too many movies in advance, and to have pulled back from their ambitious plans a bit.  After the likes of Justice League and this summer's Infinity War, the public might well begin to turn away from the big superhero franchises.  Being tentative is smart.

Related Entries:

"Flashpoint" by Geoff Johns and Andy Kubert (2011)
The FoX-men No More?  FoxTastic No Longer?
Some Other Movies From 1984
Issues with Thor: Ragnarok

"Flashpoint" by Geoff Johns and Andy Kubert (2011)

Oh no!  Barry Allen wakes up to find he's in an alternate timeline!  And double oh no!  He's lost his powers!  And triple oh no!  Aquaman and Wonder Woman are fighting some barely-explained war against each other!  And quadruple oh no!  This timeline is... EVIL!

At least it all works out in the end, thanks to - you guessed it - a little time travel on the Flash's part.  GO FLASH!  Thanks for making our timeline great again!

The story is fairly well thought out, even if the Atlantis/Themyscira subplot isn't explained to anyone's satisfaction.  Superman acts as a kind of deus ex machina, and the story features a halfway interesting version of Captain Marvel/Captain Thunder/Shazam.

The art?  It's alright, but kind of pose-y.  Muscular dudes doing muscular things.  Hot superheroines with gigantic knockers.  You know the drill...

I realize that I'm coming at this one kind of late, but if it makes any difference I did see the animated version a lot closer to 2011.  Having now read the comic, I'd have to say that the animated version tells the same story much better.  If and when they ever manage to make that cinematic version of Flashpoint, they could do a lot worse than emulate the animated version.

The FoX-men No More? FoxTastic No Longer?

It looks like Disney's going to buy Fox - or at least part of Fox - which means - if this whole deal is completed to everyone's satisfaction - that the X-men, the Fantastic Four, and whoever else will be returning to Marvel.

This is pretty good news.  Not that I have too much of an opinion about it, but just the same I'd LOVE to see the Fantastic Four done right.  I don't really have a big problem with the Tim Story movies - aside from the fact that they ruined Galactus - but the idea of Reed Richards, Susan Storm, Johnny Storm, and Ben Grimm (not to mention the Silver Surfer!) showing up in a Marvel movie has me excited.

If you don't follow comics that much (and how many do lately?), a lot of the seminal Marvel stories feature one or more members of the Fantastic Four.  Marvel has thus far avoided including references to them in movies like Civil War and the upcoming Infinity War, but it's great that they (probably) won't have to dance around this particular loophole in the future.  Anyone who knows comics will be glad at the thought of Ben Grimm facing off against the Hulk, or of Reed Richards causing trouble for Tony Stark, or of the potential cuckolding Reed faces at the hands of whoever wants to bang Susan Storm.  I don't regard the Human Torch as being quite so essential to any comic book saga, but sure, he's great too.

And the X-men?  They're a thornier problem, though of course I'd love it if Marvel took another crack at their origin story.  It's not that First Class wasn't an excellent movie, I just think Marvel would have a lot to add to that story as well.  FINALLY we can admit that yes, the Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver are Magneto's children, and FINALLY a studio can approach the X-men's origins without worrying overmuch about copyright infringement.

But the downside to all of this is the (possible) inclusion of mutants into the Marvel Cinematic Universe.  And while I don't think that Kevin Feige is in a hurry to "water down" what Marvel has painstakingly built, the idea of combining the X-men and the Avengers at some point is going to be a powerful temptation.

The trouble being that if you have this group of people who get their powers from a mutant gene, then the non-mutants don't seem so remarkable.  Is Hulk cool when you have a Juggernaut?  Is Captain America cool when you have Wolverine?  Certainly seeing these characters on screen together is something that we all want on some level, but even in the comics Marvel is very, VERY careful about how (and how often) they do it.  You don't see Spider-man popping up that often in the pages of X-men.  You don't see Professor X hanging out that much with Doctor Strange.  Sure, these things happen, but the better writers know that when it comes to combining these properties, less is definitely more.

Not that I wouldn't love to see Deadpool make fun of the Avengers.  But he could do that in "his own" movie, and it wouldn't fracture the integrity of the MCU too much.  And yes, seeing Wolverine as an Avenger would be great, but if the cost is mixing too many mutants and non-mutants together then I'd rather they avoided it.

It is fun to think about though.  If this deal goes through, the future of both the MCU and the X-men cinematic universe is wide open.  A Dark Phoenix Saga featuring the entire MCU?  That would definitely beat the hell out of whatever Fox is making now.

"Astoria" by Peter Stark (2015)

"After their meeting, Astor had framed his global commercial vision into an overarching strategy and meticulous business plan that dovetailed with Jefferson's geopolitical thinking.  As soon as possible, in 1809, Astor would dispatch his first ship, the Enterprise, to test the profitability of his transglobal trading scheme with a quick stop at the Northwest Coast.  The following year, in 1810, he would send two advance parties - one around Cape Horn by sea on the Tonquin and one across America by land.  The Overland Party would begin to lay out a vast network of fur posts reaching up the Missouri River, over the Rockies, and to the Pacific Ocean, and open a 'line of communication' across the continent along which both messages and furs could travel."

Peter Stark lives in Montana.  He's written for Outside, The New Yorker, and the Smithsonian.  Astoria is one of several books he's written on the subject of "explorers versus the American wilderness."

Following the Lewis and Clark Expedition, two groups of trappers and traders set out to create a Pacific empire at the mouth of the Columbia River.  What they get for their troubles is a lot of pain, a lot of frustration, and a lot of heartbreak.  Their efforts are doomed to failure for a host of reasons, not least of which is their extreme distance from what they'd call civilization.

Astoria offers a harrowing account of their enterprise, and Peter Stark's telling of this oft-forgotten tail is one of the most comprehensively written historical accounts I've read in quite some time.  He strikes a good balance between historical trivia and the facts of the expedition, and he makes the personages involved more interesting than they might otherwise be.  This book is so good, in fact, that I can't think of a single negative thing to say about it - aside from the fact that many modern readers, with their diminished attention spans - will likely find it "boring."

I bought this book at the same time as the previously reviewed The Oregon Trail, and even though both are good, I think Astoria is far more interesting.  It's worth noting, moreover, than many of the trails blazed by the failed Astoria expedition (in particular the South Pass through the Rockies) were later used by those going West on the Oregon Trail.  Astoria itself was one of the two most popular endpoints for that route.

Having spent a lot of time in Astoria as a kid, I was surprised at both the history and the human drama present during its earliest years.  Who knew that so much blood, sweat, and tears could go into the creation of a small town on the Oregon Coast?

Another Book You Might Like?

"Historic America: The Northwest" by Jim Kaplan (2002)

"Frozen Earth" by Doug Macdougall (2004)

"It is worth reiterating here something that was pointed out in the first chapter of this book but may have drifted into the background since; the Earth is still in an ice age."

At the time of writing, Doug Macdougall was a Professor of Earth Science at the University of California San Diego.  The short bio on the back cover of Frozen Earth states that he wrote one other book, A Short History of Planet Earth.

Frozen Earth details the characteristics of ice ages, the mechanisms that trigger them, and current theories about what shape former ice ages took in prehistoric times.  As with the book previously reviewed here, The Oceans, it's nothing you wouldn't have learned about in a Physical Geography class, and aside from perhaps the "Snowball Earth hypothesis," none of the geologic processes described in this book are exactly riveting.  Frozen Earth is a well written book, but unless you're extremely new to the subject you'll probably find little of note within it.

It can be comforting, however, to think about the prospect of global cooling in our (distant) future.  Maybe, once the continents have moved slightly farther along their chosen tracks, our descendants can once again enjoy the sort of white Christmases that we now grow nostalgic over.

Assuming, of course, that there will be people then.  Or Christmases.  Or nostalgia.

Some Other Movies From 1984

Saw all of the movies below recently.  For those wondering how I came upon them, I hereby refer you to the "1984 in Film" article on Wikipedia.

Some Good Ones

1. Missing in Action (?)

Is it good?  Is it bad?  Is it so bad it's good?  I had a really tough time with this one.  On the one hand it's a solidly put together action movie, on the other hand the Vietnamese characters are little more than cartoon villains.  The fight choreography is definitely better than Forced Vengeance (another Chuck Norris movie I've seen recently), but then again the idea that Chuck Norris, with his dirty blonde hair, could somehow "go stealth" by wearing black clothes in the middle of Saigon is ridiculous.

One thing's for sure, this movie wasn't helping U.S.-Vietnam relations any.  Having a Chinese American play the leader of the Vietnamese diplomatic contingent was especially insulting.

Yet while it doesn't quite pack the punch of First Blood Part II, it does exemplify a trend towards Vietnam-themed action movies in the 80s.  For this reason alone it's worth seeking out.

Fun Fact: The similarities between this movie and First Blood Part II aren't accidental.  Both movies were based on a story treatment submitted by James Cameron for the second Rambo film.

Fun (Non)Fact 2: Chuck Norris has counted to infinity.  Twice.

2. Dreamscape

Hollywood never met a good idea it didn't recycle.  Dennis Quaid would later star in Innerspace, another movie where he invaded other people's personal space, and let us not forget The Cell in 2000, Vanilla Sky in 2001, and Inception in 2010 - all of which offered other takes on the concept of people visiting others' dreams.  And yes, there's probably some other, earlier movie I've forgotten (or don't know about) that treads upon similar ground.

Just the same, Dreamscape is a good movie.  Dennis Quaid was a great leading man, and it's too bad that so much of his career was derailed due to substance abuse.

3. Against All Odds

Bet you remember the Phil Collins' song better than the movie.  "So take a look at me now...."

...but maybe it's not all Phil Collins' fault.  This movie is good, but it's not as good as Taylor Hackford's previous effort, An Officer and a Gentleman.  This one's more a genre picture, and feels less genuine than its predecessor.  Especially that confrontation at the end of the movie - that one scene is so silly that it almost ruins the entire film.

Jeff Bridges stars as an ex-football player, Rachel Ward is the love interest, and James Woods appears as a shady "friend" of Bridges.  In the same year Bridges starred in (excuse the pun) Starman, and the year before Woods starred in Videodrome.  Both of those movies were way better than the more derivative Against All Odds.

4. A Passage to India

David Lean was still making movies in the 1980s? I had no idea.  And that's Judy Davis?  From The Ref?  Apparently she's Australian!  Who knew?

This movie is VERY slow to get going, but if you liked 1982's Gandhi I think you'll also find a lot to like in this movie.  Where Gandhi was big and momentous, A Passage to India is small and intimate.  It's full of the day-to-day misunderstandings: the little embarrassments that informed the rule of the British Raj.  It's also more of an ensemble piece, whereas Gandhi was the story of one man.

Compare Maurice Jarre's orchestral score in A Passage to India to the synth-laden score he did for Dreamscape the same year.  Could any two things be more different?

5. Beat Street

"You can keep your dreams, gentlemen.  But get something to fall back on."  Truer words were never spoken.  33 years later, and what happened to all those (slow) rappers, DJs, taggers, and breakers?  For some, fortunes were won and lost, but for most it was probably a brief glimpse at fame, and then back to the day-to-day reality of living in the Bronx.

This movie's still surprisingly good.  And yes, I owned my own pair of parachute pants, once upon a time.

6. Falling in Love

Not as bad as Scenes from a Marriage, not even as bad as Eyes Wide Shut, but definitely NOT a date movie.  This tale of marital infidelity will have you (and your significant other) questioning the nature of your relationship long before the credits roll.  While De Niro and Streep's previous movies were definitely better (The King of Comedy and Silkwood, respectively), this film has aged very well.

7. Red Dawn

Cold War paranoia at its finest, and also the one movie the NRA really wants you to see.  It's very 80s in the same way that Missing in Action is very 80s, but the story's more coherent and the acting's better.  Fun Fact #1: Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey, who both appear in this movie, would later star in Dirty Dancing together.  Fun Fact #2: The script for this movie started out as an anti-war film, but the studio pushed the scriptwriter into making it more of a "teen Rambo" movie.

8. The Killing Fields

Having been to Cambodia, I can tell you that a) it's very beautiful, and b) it's very sad sometimes, too.  For every Angkor Wat there's a troop of kids running after you saying: "Hello one dollar!  Hello one dollar!"  For every sign of (uneven) development, there's a TV channel right out of Orwell's 1984.  Cambodia is, in other words, a very strange place, but if you haven't been I recommend it.

Sam Waterston stars in this story of the Khmer Rouge's rise to power.  This movie won a lot of Oscars, including a Best Supporting Actor for Waterston's costar, Haing S. Ngor.

9. Love Streams

John Cassavetes kind of lost me with Gloria, but he was back in form again with Love Streams.  If you think about certain plot elements it's somewhat ridiculous, but for me this just adds to the movie's charm.  Felt like something John Waters might have attempted.

10. 1984

I'm talking about 1984 in this post, so of course I have to mention this movie!  It's one of my favorite books, and they did a good job adapting it to film.  For a particularly jarring experience, listen to the Van Halen album right after viewing the movie.

11. Once Upon a Time in America

I'm really surprised I didn't see this movie earlier.  Sergio Leone, De Niro, James Woods -- it seems exactly like a movie I would have gravitated toward much earlier on, but for whatever reason that didn't happen.

I can't say it's a perfect movie.  Even with a four-hour runtime it doesn't successfully juggle all its characters, and the friendship at the center of the movie isn't really given enough time to develop.  This said, there are a lot of things to like about Once Upon a Time in America, not least of which are the cinematography and a truly masterful performance by De Niro.

Fun Fact: Jennifer Connelly is in this.  It was her first movie and she was between 12 and 13 at the time.

Some Bad Ones

1. Police Academy

This was funny in 1984?  I guess you had to have been there.  Actually I was there - but I was only 9 at the time.  There's a somewhat funny gag involving a prostitute and a podium, but the rest of this movie feels like warmed-over Animal House.

2. The Hotel New Hampshire

Whatever happened to Beau Bridges?  He used to be everywhere.  Maybe he got tired of being a movie star?

The senior Bridges, Rob Lowe, Jodie Foster, and the dude who got melted and then hit by a car in Robocop star in this story of a New Hampshire family that opens a hotel.  It's full of cringe-y dialogue and one of the most badly-timed rape scenes ever.  One of the more annoyingly pretentious movies I've seen recently, but maybe the book was better?

Also the only film in which you'll hear Jodie Foster say something like, "Hey!  Your balls are wet!"

3. Buckaroo Banzai

You know what this movie needed?  More Jeff Goldblum.  He's the only interesting thing in this entire thing.

You know what this movie also needed?  More action.  For what most would assume is an action movie, there's little going on for most of the Buckaroo Banzai's two hour runtime.  Even the big fight at the end is anticlimactic.  It's like a radio serial that fails to end with a cliffhanger, or a TV show without enough of a premise to keep the viewer invested.

This was Peter Weller's biggest movie before Robocop, and I can tell you he was much better used by Paul Verhoeven.  To some extent I understand why this movie enjoys a cult following (its eccentricity), but come on, there are better movies to obsess over.

4. Paris, Texas

Something about two brothers, one of whom was missing for four years.  God it's boring.  Made it halfway through and had to tap out.

5. Nothing Lasts Forever

What a weird film.  Was this supposed to be funny?  The guy from Gremlins and some SNL alumni feature in this story about a young man who wants to become an artist in New York.  Mostly black and white, with a dream sequence in color.  It was never released theatrically or on home video, though it was later uploaded to the Internet.

Some That Are So Bad They're Good

1. Streets of Fire

Riding high on the success of 48 Hrs., writer/director Walter Hill offered this second, larger helping of macho bullshit.

Diane Lane (a.k.a. Superman's mom) is abducted by Willem Defoe and later saved by her old boyfriend Michael Pare.  Inbetween there are a few good songs and a lot of bad ones.  The dialogue is unintentionally hilarious, and certain plot points make absolutely no sense.

Watching this movie in 2017, I'm not sure if I feel more embarrassed for Willem Defoe, who spends most of the movie wearing silly leather fetish overalls; or for Amy Madigan, who has all the worst lines.

2. Breakin'

The bastard child of Beat Street and Flashdance, featuring a white girl who learns all about poppin' and lockin'.  Where Beat Street is New York cold, Breakin' is sunny California.  Where Beat Street is inner city, Breakin' is well-lit dance studios and beaches.  Gotta love the evil dance instructor.  Fun Fact: Ice T performs in this movie!  Twice!

3. The Ice Pirates

Super low budget, jokey Star Wars ripoff?  It's not as deliberately funny as Spaceballs, but in terms of unintentional hilarity it's in the same neighborhood.  Robert Urich stars as the pirate captain, with the more recognizable Ron Perlman and Anjelica Huston in supporting roles.  

Fun Fact: Stewart Raffill, the director, is also responsible for 1988's Mac and Me.

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